Journaling
February 22, 2008
I’d kind of lost my way with journaling for myself. It’d turned into a book of to-do lists and client notes. Little messy scratches from conversations and things I needed to remember. It was not me anymore. It was my work.
I don’t know how it occurred to me to pick it up again for myself. But I’m really glad it did.
There had been a ton of stress in my life for a few months and I think my journal is what saved me. Well, I supposed “saved” is an inaccurate term, as I was in no danger of dying. But it definitely was the key that lifted me out of the funk. It let me unload and leave it there. No longer only on my shoulders.
One morning after Colin left for work and I’d finished the last sip of my coffee, I sat down in a heap with tears streaming down my face. The heaviness of the last few months had left me feeling scared and alone and worthless. Unable. There was no one there to lean on, so I grabbed a crappy notebook and just started writing. All the fears and negativity and sadness just anchored there on the paper. And I scribbled away with my chicken scratch hand writing.
As the pages filled up, I felt lighter. Almost held. And I heard a small voice inside me saying “It’s ok. Now you don’t have to carry this.” And I felt better. (And very surprised by this calmness).
I suppose it was an Eat, Pray, Love moment, if that resonates with you. Where I was in the middle of the dark moment… all laid out messy and blah… and then a small voice of clarity and calm surfaced. A comforting, knowing voice.
After writing and listening (essentially writing back to myself), I shut the notebook and sat there with a new sense of peace. Totally emptied and calm. I went upstairs to work and practically floated through the day, anxiously awaiting the next morning when I had time to journal again.
And the next morning it happened again. I started writing and my Centered Self showed up and said hello. (Centered Self? I dunno. That feels like a good description. Or maybe Wiser Me or The Truth.) It was like a big mama bear who was taking my problems from me and just letting me move through the day without them. (I’m guessing this sounds a little hocus pocus, huh. I am a little hesitant to post this, but maybe you will understand, or have had a similar experience?…)
This kind of journaling was just really powerful for me. So I decided to make it part of my morning routine. And I swear to you, it has changed my life. Now, before I start on the day’s to-do list, I read a little to relax and then I write in my journal. As much or as little as I want. Some days I hear the guidance loud and clear. And some days I am just happy to write and reflect. Either way, I feel grounded and centered afterwards. “Held” is the best description I can think of… And I try to keep that feeling in mind as I move through the day.
February 22nd, 2008 at 11:40 am
good girl….we all have to do what is necessary to take care of ourselves. you are so talented and such a kind soul. i think you rock!
February 22nd, 2008 at 11:57 am
Oh, so good. I am still hanging onto the “Morning Pages” from when I went through The Artist’s Way years and years ago. I don’t always do them in the morning, but if I don’t do them sometime I feel like my brain is going to explode.
February 22nd, 2008 at 12:10 pm
I love that word “held.” It’s a good way to describe it. I look forward to that time every morning myself. That time to get it all out on paper. I swear God meets me there every single morning in my “crappy notebook.”
February 22nd, 2008 at 1:32 pm
I’m so sorry for the struggle you have been having during those months but so glad you found a way to manage it. I have to echo Kelly above that it was the morning pages from doing the Artist’s Way that gave me that same experience– i still do them and it amazes me how it cleans off all the guck and barnacles that accumulate and give me a clean (well, clean-er) slate to start the day from.
February 22nd, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Yes! I’ve had the same experience. Thanks for sharing… :)
February 22nd, 2008 at 1:34 pm
You stated it very well. For me it feels like there is a voice in my journal that is much wiser than I. All I have to do is ask and the calm answer surfaces. It is my rock.
February 22nd, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Yes, indeed, that quiet inner voice has a chance to speak up when I sit and write. A direct line to peace!
February 22nd, 2008 at 2:47 pm
So glad you resisted the hesitation and posted this.
I keep a list of favouite words in a little Moleskine… I’m going to add “Held” to it :-)
February 22nd, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Ah! Morning pages-they have “saved” me more than once. If I find myself being moody, I usually realize I haven’t done them that day!
February 23rd, 2008 at 6:15 am
I also thank you for sharing. It is a practice that I try, but oversleep and neglect it. But when I do it, I have such clarity, especially when I go back and read it later. I look at what I’ve resolved and how I have moved forward, and it really enlightens me. You are a good egg! Thanks for sharing with us. Now, I must find my journal…
February 23rd, 2008 at 12:34 pm
I have done morning pages every day with only 2 days missed since 1993. I guess you could say it is well integrated into my life. I am glad that you have discovered this “tool” to clear a path to your Center….Thank you for sharing.
Susan
February 23rd, 2008 at 12:38 pm
I live half a way across the world.. and do similar things :).. Lots of times my notebook has saved my sanity.. and sometimes - have changed my view on an issue/situation/my-overloaded-self..
I was hesitatnt to post comments.. even though i’m reading from time to time and love your work.. But here i am.. :)
March 5th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
I am so glad you wrote about journaling. I have been journaling on and off for over 20 years now, with alot of ‘off’ time lately. I still go through stages when I feel guilty for doing writing in my journal and find it hard to find the time, though I know deep down inside that it does clear and ground me and makes me happy. Thanks for the reminder!