self-preservation
December 7, 2007
My Sacred Life, Day 15
Self-preservation.
I am slow in learning this skill apparently. The skill of recognizing harm and then avoiding it. It seems like I am aware of things that make me feel bad, and yet I still do them for whatever reason… specifically certain blogs I read.
I don’t know if you guys do this too (perhaps it’s just me?), but there are some blogs in my blogroll that make me feel like poo almost every time I check them. I don’t know why exactly, but I read them and then end up feeling — not good enough… not smart enough… not creative enough… not cool enough. And yet: I still continue to read them! It’s like blog crack!
And I’m not sure if I can’t let them go because of guilt?… “I’ve been following them for this long.” Or if it’s some sort of compulsion to see what those people are doing/thinking? Or that I’m simply a masochist…
But I’m finally putting an end to it. I am putting self-preservation first.
No more blogs that make me feel bad. Capisce?
I started by transferring my blogroll bookmarks to my laptop and then deleted ALL blogs from my work computer (oh man did this help with productivity). No blogs during the day — cold turkey, baby!
Then, over the course of a week, I organized the blogs on my laptop into categories based on how they made me feel. So there is a folder called “calm blogs” that always inspire me, fill me up, calm me down, and make me feel happy. Then there is a “family blogs” folder where all my family is (yes, all those make me happy too). Then there is a “general blogs” of people who I like and want to spy on, and don’t ever make me feel upset.
And finally I created a “boo blogs” folder that was the catchall for every blog that made me feel crappy after reading.
Now to be totally honest, I still haven’t completely deleted the “boo blogs” folder. I just hid it underneath news and business folders so it’s not on my main bookmarks bar. I still am having a hard time letting them go (which is silly I guess, but true). I’m working up to it. But I do know that I haven’t checked those all week, and feel great. Baby steps, my friends. :)
So I thought I’d use the concept of self-preservation as this “my sacred life” entry. Because what’s more sacred than listening to yourself and honoring how you feel?
December 7th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
I did this too, recently, and I can honestly say that it made my life a lot more pleasant - I hope it works for you. (And for what it’s worth, you’re in a folder named “Inspiring Blogs” :))
December 7th, 2007 at 2:13 pm
what a great idea to organize the blogs…
i guess i don’t read any that make me feel bad. (gosh, i feel thankful) but now i’ll recognize it if i ever do.
yeah, Penny-lope, stay away from those! i don’t want you to feel bad or not good enough cuz yer too awesome—plus, as artists, we do enough of this to ourselves, don’t we?!
December 7th, 2007 at 2:18 pm
That is a great idea! I do exactly the same thing, then start second guessing myself and sometimes they just ruin my day… time to go re-organize!
December 7th, 2007 at 2:19 pm
Awesome you guys! I’m just so happy I’m not the only one!!!! hee. :)
December 7th, 2007 at 2:20 pm
And Jenny: oh yeah. We do beat ourselves up too much and don’t need any outside assistance. :)
December 7th, 2007 at 3:44 pm
That is an awesome idea…what’s sad is that there ARE blogs that have to go in the “boo blog” category :(.
December 7th, 2007 at 3:47 pm
Excellent post. I am glad I am not the only one who feels this way after reading some blogs. I think I keep reading them because maybe someday I will be as popular, as creative, as cool, as successful etc. Very bad and destructive habit. Here’s to self-preservation.
December 7th, 2007 at 3:56 pm
You. Are. Awesome.
And I think I’d qualify your (now ex-) browsing of “boo blogs” as a prime pxample of that old universal no-no: Comparing Your Insides to Other People’s Outsides.
So proud of you for stopping.
December 7th, 2007 at 4:28 pm
Woohoo for self-preservation! If we aren’t gentle with ourselves, who will be? And Colin’s comment will live on my fridge for a few days.
December 7th, 2007 at 5:11 pm
Wowza, I thought I was the only one that had this problem! I can’t seem to stop either. I think a part of me feels like, if there is a creative person that’s making me feel bad or jealous, maybe I’m on the edge of something new creatively that the “boo blogs” have, and that I should try to incorporate into my ever changing me. But I agree, it can defintely feel destructive, and if it feels destructive, why do it?
Nice job! Really inspiring!
December 7th, 2007 at 5:40 pm
I agree: really inspiring! Thanks for putting into words something I’ve been experiencing for a while. I have rearranged my bookmark list a few times to control the order in which I view blogs. Recently I switched to Bloglines (because it was becoming too taxing keeping all my bookmarks current on both my computers, now that I have both a Mac and an old PC, not to mention keeping them in the same order so that my blog-browsing experience was consistent no matter which computer I was using). Bloglines has been a great relief in many ways because it helps monitor my gut reaction to certain blogs. When I see a certain blog has been updated and my gut reaction is, “Darn. I don’t want to click on that one,” then I know it’s time to unsubscribe. But sometimes I’m not brave enough to do that. The whole guilt thing. That’s why it’s been great to read this post from you today.
This is my first time commenting, and boy did I leave a mouthful! Sorry about that. :)
December 7th, 2007 at 6:05 pm
I too thought I was alone with this problem! I am just removing myself from looking at some of these myself, and at moments they are tempting, I get up from the computer and go for a walk or do something else.
Good luck and well done!
December 7th, 2007 at 6:25 pm
@Leigh: but the thing we need to remember is: we are ALREADY good enough. As is. right? :)
@Christianne: I love that you are trusting your gut reaction. That’s exactly what I’m doing. It feels so good to listen to it. And I hadn’t heard of bloglines… I’ll have to look into that!
@Marieke: I hadn’t thought of going for a walk / doing something to distract myself when the temptation arises. That’s a great tip!
December 7th, 2007 at 6:25 pm
And Colin? Love that quote. so true. I need to remember that.
December 7th, 2007 at 6:45 pm
Hurray for you! You deserve to feel great. Surround yourself with things (and blogs) that nourish you! Big kudos to you, for being self aware enough to stop giving yourself little doses of emotional poison. It’s been wonderful to follow your ’sacred life’journey- thanks for sharing it!
December 7th, 2007 at 6:50 pm
I am relating to self-preservation issue – protect your psyche from undue negative influence. I am, however, scratching my head of how you can possibly think you can be not enough of something… You are so much of everything!!!
Just by reading and looking at all the things you create, facilitate and do, you enrich lives of so many by being who you are. So, yeah, if there is anything that taking you down or making you doubt your integrity, get rid of it, pronto!
December 7th, 2007 at 11:58 pm
i did this recently, too. it’s been a relief to sort of reclaim that space of the day for me. i know exactly what you mean!
December 8th, 2007 at 8:31 am
oh Penny– I just had to comment on this because wow– I feel so less alone. I had JUST stopped reading a few blogs “blog crack” in November and didn’t tell anyone about this because I felt so weird about the whole thing– and you expressed it so precisely– I have been reading them a long time so it’s a habit and they do make me feel lousy after so WHY do I read them when there are so many fabulous sites to visit? Anyway, not to hijack your comments, but oh— to be in a kindred place with you, someone I admire so, well– it just made me feel validated and good.
December 8th, 2007 at 11:23 am
I don’t understand? What are these bad-vibe addictive blogs?
December 8th, 2007 at 3:40 pm
It got so bad for me that last summer I took a one month blog break in August. No posting and no reading. It was a lovely month. When I cameback I felt MUCH better and had been making my own art more freely.
December 8th, 2007 at 6:54 pm
Yay! I’m so glad to hear about this, miss. I did it a few months back and now I feel sooooooo much better.
December 8th, 2007 at 10:15 pm
Thanks, Penelope - it’s inspiring. And self-preserving idea! I am working on a similar problem now - but I decided to start with logging my experiences - with the web for example I want to identify which sites are truly inspiring and which I visit just to spend another hour after that in self-pity ;) I also try to record time - it usually works as a cold shower on me - to see how much perfectly good time was lost - and on WHAT? :)
December 9th, 2007 at 2:45 am
oh my goodness, i so know what you mean. i use Bloglines to organise my blog links and recently i’ve been trying to slim the list down a bit and unsubscribe to the blogs that brings my energy down - it really does help doesn’t it. my favourites folder is labeled ‘inspiring’ and you are in it :-)
December 9th, 2007 at 6:23 am
thank you for posting this. like others, i too thought i was the only one that struggled with this. i like your idea…
December 9th, 2007 at 6:24 pm
wow! thats such a lovely idea! i’m feeling inspired to apply this to my blogroll! i mainly have a big long list of blogs i read, but for self-preservation i do hide myspace and friendster (which though not blogs…would definitely go in the boo category….they don’t make me feel good to visit at all)
this post and all of the comments are such a beautiful reminder of how much we all are on the same amazing path to embody self love!
December 9th, 2007 at 8:26 pm
It’s so nice to know I’m not alone in this! Clearly we are all in good (creative) company. And yay to Colin; you completely hit it on the head. Brilliant.
December 9th, 2007 at 9:34 pm
Nice to see you are back to your old self. Sorry, you were sick. I got Tom sick and then you got sick. As Madison and you would say…..”Sorry”(said quickly,with a high pitched, nonchalant attitude). You know what I am talking about! HAA HAA!
Girls say hi. We are in the Christmas spirit and will be painting homemade salt dough ornaments this weekend. Wish you were here to enjoy inour craft day. The girls just adore you! Take care! Hope to see you soon.
Kimberly
December 10th, 2007 at 12:27 am
I did this same thing just this week!! I took all of the URL’s and stuck them on a word sheet. That way, when I want to go read some blogs I have to make the real decision to do that activity - rather than out of habit clicking on buttons and reading while avoiding doing some other task. Productivity up 100% + I notice just how many times during the day I’d reach for the blog!
December 10th, 2007 at 6:37 am
penelope… i know EXACTLY how you feel. i could write soooo much about this here but i am actually afraid to. that’s horrible, isn’t it? anyway. sometimes i go on “blog fasts”. that helps.
December 10th, 2007 at 8:23 am
I had to do this about two months ago and I can not tell you how much better my opinion of myself is. Some people thrive on being depressing and negative and I just did not want to feed my mind with that anymore.
Good for you stepping up and taking care of you!
December 10th, 2007 at 8:52 am
You guys rock socks. I’m so happy I’m not alone. I was scared to write this post, to be honest… afraid that I was way off base with thinking this. Especially because I honestly believe that most of the boo blogs on my list are speaking their truths. And it’s just me reading into them… so again… colin’s quote above is SO TRUE! :)
December 10th, 2007 at 9:13 am
FYI: Christianne posted a very thorough review of Bloglines, if you want to check into that: http://lilieshavedreams.blogspot.com/2007/12/my-life-with-bloglines.html
I also have been trying out del.icio.us/ and so far like that too… :)
Thanks Christianne!
December 10th, 2007 at 9:40 am
i can relate to this. i see a lot of blogs of people who are friends. i love that they get together and things but i’ts also hard because i don’t have those connections in my life. clearing out what’s not good for you is always good.
December 10th, 2007 at 10:03 am
Poo on poo blogs!
December 10th, 2007 at 10:26 am
First time at your blog. So appreciate seeing a wonderful piece of your art to lift my spirit, a life saver : ) My Sacred Life had me nodding agreement and thinking of other things I do, look at, listen to, that make me feel like poo. I doodle and then put myself down because I’m not an artist and therefore see at my doodles as nothing. The thing is, for various reasons, I haven’t made much of my life and the ‘doodles’ are really important to me, yet I am unable to give them the smallest of praise. Thank you for this entry.
December 10th, 2007 at 1:02 pm
I never came across personal boo blogs I guess, but sometimes I feel like I’m a lazy couch potato that doesn’t get outside enough when I look at the exciting lives of others on their blogs! It’s weird what impression you get from blogs about other people.
December 10th, 2007 at 7:06 pm
well put! poo on boo blogs! thanks for voicing something i’ve been feeling.
December 10th, 2007 at 8:49 pm
I have a blog addiction too, there are some blogs that I read that make feel like you said, like poo. But your blog has the opposite effect on me. After I read your blog I feel happy, inspired and calm. Thank you Penelope for sharing your life and letting us know that we are not the only ones feeling like crap sometimes by things we read or experience. I have learned so much from you, you rock:)!
December 10th, 2007 at 9:32 pm
Poo on the boo! hee! :)
December 10th, 2007 at 9:33 pm
And thank you Ariadna! I’m so happy that I can inspire and bring a smile… I hope my blog never makes anyone’s boo blog list. :)
December 11th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
Girl, YOU are one of the blogs I had to stop reading! You are very inspiring, but I’m a bit of a perfectionist and reading about how everything great always seems to happen to you, all your life lessons and recovery from bouts of depression and living by the beach and ESPECIALLY being a successful artist — I always started the comparisons, I felt bad, and one day I couldn’t take it anymore! I did just what you did and consciously took YOU off my bookmarks! But today I clicked again (it’s the blog crack, I know exactly what you mean!!) and not only this post but all the environmental stuff above . . . oh man, you are too good! I’m glad I felt brave enough to de-lurk and tell you this. I’ve been reading your blog for a couple years, but now just not as frequently (ok ok, so each time I check I have to read the backlog!).
Oh well, good luck to you! I’m not trying to be negative, but thought I’d report in on that fine line between inspiration and pure jealousy! Undoubtedly I’ll still read your blog from time to time, but yeah, only when I’m having a super confidence day! :)
Also: try adding the LeechBlock extension to Firefox; you can self-block any site you want, set time limits, etc. It’s worked wonders for me!
December 11th, 2007 at 3:40 pm
Hey Dorothy: I’m so sorry my blog has caused you grief. I certainly do not mean it to. And really: my life is just as messy and slippery as anyone else’s. It’s not just peaches and cream, just ask my husband. :)
I understand though, if you need to give me the boot. I am glad you’re taking care of yourself!
:)
December 12th, 2007 at 1:52 pm
Ready to chime in with “I thought I was the ONLY one”…I am still on a blogging break, in part, because I was reading so many blogs that were really bringing out my horrible envious side. My words are actually sort of frozen at the moment. *sigh* Nice to see that this happens more often than I might think–thanks for blogging about it (and giving it a NAME). :)
December 12th, 2007 at 11:45 pm
hi penelope,
i don’t want to make you feel bad, but you and your lovely creative circle of friends kind of belong in my boo folder, because i want to be one of you, and because i want you guys to want to be friends with me. i have for a long time.
it’s good to know i’m not the only one with these sorts of feelings and thoughts. thanks for the honesty.
December 13th, 2007 at 5:40 pm
Hey Samin… again… so sorry I’m in your boo blogs list. That’s okay though. I feel the same way when I read about other people’s friendships sometimes. I think it’s natural. Take care of you!
December 13th, 2007 at 10:11 pm
Wow, I just recently did the exact same thing to go as far as deleting the blogreader from my work computer. It hurt but sure does increase productivity, as you already pointed out.
P, you are always on the top of my blogroll and are a “calm” blog. I love reading your posts. I had to weed out my little blog garden and actually, felt better after deleting the “boo” blogs. It’s cathartic.
Hope my little blog never makes it into your “boo” folder. :)
Tami
December 14th, 2007 at 8:43 am
you’re so sweet, but you don’t need to apologize! i’m totally in touch with my insecurities, and know i have a lot to work on. it’s just so reassuring to see that someone i look up to so much has similar feelings.
December 14th, 2007 at 9:31 am
speechless…sometimes you just connect…or you don’t! If they inspire you….read…if you feel funny inside…let it go! We are all here for the same reason…just to be heard…to say what you feel. i think the secret lies in doing it for yourself…and all these very creative and inspiring women…where you, Penelope, are one of them…have soo much to teach us…I’m in awe!
Yes! I want to be like you!
Yes, I want ALL these inspiring and artistic women write to me as well!
Yes, I want them to want to get me to know me better!
But in the end…you as an individual has to realise that you are just as inspiring to all your friends and family around you. You HAVE all these fantastic friends around you..and if you want to do the things these fantastic groups of bloggers do(you sometimes sit and wish you were part of their circle of friends…)…start doing all that fun stuff with your friends…and as the Universe work…these beauties will come along on your road!
To trust the process, and or the Universe, and or God…He will send that specific person into your life at the perfect time for you to learn something from them! xx
December 23rd, 2007 at 3:18 am
hello, first time here. I don’t ever have blogs that make me feel crappy after reading them, I think I am always in admiration. I’ve never subscribed to blogs, but I do get a little feeling of guilt when I delete a blog from my blogroll. I still visit as I have them saved in my bookmarks..but as I change and my interests change so do the blogs I visit.
by the way nice blog and merry christmas
December 23rd, 2007 at 5:08 pm
wow, thanks for bringing this up. It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while now. And I will add myself to the list of people who, at times, has had to stop reading your blog for the very same reasons. Especially a while back when you got together with all the artist girl bloggers. That was
a tough one!
Of course, I keep coming back because your words are also inspiring and your work is wonderful. I just have to be in a good place to visit.
March 14th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
I was feeling this way, and was trying to look up who had posted it! I’m glad I found it :)