yes. Yes. YES!
November 14, 2007
I have been doing some serious reality checks lately and noticing that I do a lot of stuff (or rather, don’t do a lot of stuff) out of big ol’ plain FEAR. Holding back for fear of looking stupid, or untalented, or ridiculous, or girlie, or dull, etc.
I’m afraid of what people will think of me. Gasp! What if someone hates me?!?!
I also do a TON of negative self talk… which jen kicked to the curb inspirationally recently. A TON. Like. All. The. Time. And it’s hard to stop when that stone is already rolling down the hill. You know?
So I’ve been checking myself (before I wreck myself) lately… pushing my tushie off the cliff to face the fear head on. I’ve been thinking a lot of seemingly morbid thoughts about death and how inevitable that is… so why the hell not live it up (responsibly, mind you. No one is jumping in front of buses or wracking up massive amounts of debt here.) We’re all gonna die anyway. So why not have some fun… stick our necks out… be okay with some dirty looks… live a juicy life along the way?
Live according to your own rules. And heck, pack it full of pleasure if you can!
I’ve noticed that I’m so afraid that I often turn down things that might possibly be a smidge enjoyable because I’m afraid I’ll be awkward. That I won’t be myself because I’m afraid someone will think I’m an idiot.
So I’ve been making an effort to say YES lately. Yes to anything that might possibly be fun. (taking a risk that it could suck royally, but that’s just how the cookie crumbles sometimes). So I started by inviting a girl in my city out for a riverwalk one day. And I talked her ear off for over an hour out of nervousness. And surprisingly, she asked me do something another time… which we did and it was FUN. She speaks my language! We’re even going to a stitch n’ bitch thing tomorrow night and I don’t even know how to knit! (How’s that for facing some fear?)
Today I had lunch with a gallery/shoppe owner here in Columbia and I was way nervous. I strapped on my bright fuschia power boots (with fringe!) for extra luck/extra “me-ness”. And it turned out to be the most charming afternoon. We ate lunch on the front porch of her shop and she was such a cool lady… full of funny phrases and talks of travel. I went back to her house (the cutest New Orleans style house with overgrown plants and archways!) where she showed me her drawings and dream collages. She talked to me about how the universe has worked for her… And i left feeling so big! so inspired! so… warm.
(Lunch with strangers… I Never would have done that before.)
Yes! also to an email I got recently asking me to be a teacher at an upcoming art retreat thingie (I don’t think I’m allowed to spill the beans yet, but y’all are invited!)… and I was overcome with tenseness and anxiety about it (which I took as my sign to say yes) but said the big Yes anyway. Yes to teaching for the first time. Yes to leading creative folks like yourselves in some art-fun-inspirational workshops for three days. Yes to meeting some of you face to face and potentially having you think I’m human (I so totally am, I promise).
This yes thing is not easy. It feels very against my nature to be social and reach out. (I am a rock, right?!) This morning I sat on my meditation blanket and lit, for the first time, my Be Bodacious and Playfulness candles (click on those and read the quotes. amazing.) that I bought — and I just closed my eyes and thought:
I do not have to live up to these pre-conceived notions of who I am in my head. I can forge new paths RIGHT NOW. I can be who I want to be, even if that person is inconsistent, and even contradictory. Maybe i am those things… nah-nah-nah-nuh-boo boo.
I told my friend Evan once:
“I AM MY OWN CREATURE.”
And then I started my own business and started caring too much what people thought and started questioning everything about myself. And my art. And my self-worth… And I’m really ready to get back on the horse.
I am my own creature. And I’m facing these dark holes. Adios. I don’t need you anymore holey.
November 14th, 2007 at 9:53 pm
wow. you know what’s weird? I just got back from my life drawing class (the last one) and sent an e-mail to this kick ass animation dude who was also in the class just throwing out the idea of going for coffee or something. And I was sitting here, wondering if I sounded all pathetic and stalker-esque and feeling really weird about it, and then I decided to check in here and read this post. And now I’m feeling so much better!!!! Be Bodacious. damn straight. lunch with strangers! wear pink boots! e-mail classmates you barely know! Be your own creature and I will be my little monster self!
xoxoxoxo
November 14th, 2007 at 11:33 pm
my self worth has been in question (in my mind) for some time. I am so busy with “job” that I forget that I need to be having some fun, walking and seeing life, listening to birds, hearing a wave, laughing, doing stuff that on the outside might not seem important but is brilliantly important to me. I just withdrew from a big job that I could have really used for the money and my portfolio because 1. I got a terrible gut feeling 2. I didn’t want to take a big job that I would be tightly art directed — something I do all day, 5 days a week and 3. I told myself if I withdrew from consideration for this book that I would take that time and do something, anything for myself, to make me FEEL GOOD about me, my art and my life. So, feeling a little beaten down for not having the where-withall to take on that … I want to go forward and be ME…. yeehaw! ;)
November 15th, 2007 at 12:12 am
Great post! Hold on to these thoughts and you can go further than you can imagine.
November 15th, 2007 at 1:59 am
yay for yes! yay for pink boots with extra fringe! i think when you talk about feeling like that, you realise that there are sooooo many people just as nervous about those things too, they just don’t seem it! i was chatting with 3 girly friends of mine last year, about this, we all saw each other as confident in these things, but really each of us felt quite timid! last night i was at a world folk dance class. i fear dancing with immensity, but for the last year or so i have been folk dancing when opportunity arrises, despite that feeling of terror which sometimes strikes the pit of my stomach. but that terror soons turns into a smile that in turn becomes giggles and often even fits of uncontrollable laughter! and then i realise that dancing like that is really quite cool! and at worst, it’s (usually) better to regret something you have done, than something you haven’t. at least with the first option you can say, hey, at least i tried.
good for you in all those yeses and all that fun! have a great time!
November 15th, 2007 at 5:03 am
Who says that thinking about death is morbid? Death is a natural part of life and people try to squelch it and avoid talking about it like it doesn’t exist. Yes, it’s unpleasant, but it’s as much a part of life as birth. This culture only wants to think about pleasant things, fun things, pleasure. Life in it’s fullness includes unpleasant things. I would not want to life my life without that, because I have learned that these things bring a whole new dimension and completeness and richness to the cycle of life.
November 15th, 2007 at 5:13 am
I am cheering you on!! I too struggle with things like this and it’s so refreshing to read such an honest and inspiring post. I’m with you on facing the fear head on. Surely it’s the same for everyone? Well it’s nice to know that I’m not alone, and neither are you.
November 15th, 2007 at 5:53 am
You give me hope that it is possible to come out of the shell, I’m still hidden deep down and saying “no” out of fear. Great inspiration! *^v^*
November 15th, 2007 at 5:59 am
Whatever I can say about this post will be a repeating what lesley (above) said: I think we all go through this and it somhow feels comforting to know that we´re not alone feeling like this.
Thanks for your post. Not that I´m happy about someone else´s negative thoughts… just that it feels good to know that we´re never alone, even if we do work alone or spend most of the time alone.
Thanks again, P!
November 15th, 2007 at 7:17 am
Wow. What an awesome revelation.
November 15th, 2007 at 7:59 am
Yes! I loved reading this post. You are an inspiration in countless ways. Good luck in all your adventures! yes, yes, yes!
November 15th, 2007 at 8:22 am
You go girl! Saying Yes is sometimes the scariest yet easiest thing one can do.
November 15th, 2007 at 10:18 am
The first thing I thought when I saw that illustration was “God, wouldn’t I love to feel like her; arms open to bliss.” And then I read your post and I realized that I can feel like that. Just like you’re doing.
Wow, what an amazing breakthrough, and it’s Thanks to you, Lopie!
November 15th, 2007 at 1:53 pm
Hey…I’ve been lurking here for awhile but I had to come out and say that I absolutely love the artworks you chose for this post and that it absolutely sums up everything you said in words. You go girl!
November 15th, 2007 at 2:02 pm
Wow. Just…wow. You are so speaking my language about FEAR and how much it limits. You sound so brave!
I’ll have to keep an eye out for things *I* can say YES to in my own life.
Thank you! (I came over here from selftaughtgirl.com and I am SO glad I did!)
November 15th, 2007 at 5:05 pm
so special to read this today - now I’m off for a walk in the brisk air to think about it :)
November 16th, 2007 at 7:20 pm
you rock.
November 20th, 2007 at 6:33 am
p
you are pure awesomeness. and just the thing i needed to read today. thank you for that.can’t wait to meet up!
:)
susan
p.s. can you tell me about that lovely lady in the bubbles piece?
November 20th, 2007 at 9:02 am
Hey Susan,
That piece was created for a show I did in LA. Four pieces, each showing a woman following/living her bliss. I love the idea of a person opening up to life and the sun and throwing her arms back in … I don’t know how to describe that feeling. Total freedom and joy? yeah… and that’s how it came out. :)
November 25th, 2007 at 11:20 pm
Thanks for posting this. I keep coming back to it because I totally relate.
November 26th, 2007 at 11:58 am
Hi — Just found your blog (using Carla’s Sacred Life link list) and found this post a wonderful reminder for myself! Thanks for sharing …
Hugs and blessings,
December 27th, 2007 at 8:42 pm
This is such an inspiration. I feel like you are writing about me but an unafraid, confident, self assured me. I have pockets of this…