saying no compassionately
August 29, 2007
Yesterday I turned down a job. And it wasn’t easy. Because usually I say yes. I like to say yes. Sure. I can get it done. No problem. And I’ll make it look easy. And you won’t even know that I sacrificed my downtime for it. To you, it will look seamless and beautiful. And you’ll be happy. And I’ll be happy you’re happy.
Or so I thought. But I’m starting to change that kind of thinking… I’m starting to realize that saying yes to everything is not in line with my priorities (to be balanced and healthy, to have a fun marriage, to be creative, etc). And I’m squishing out the things I *really* want to do with things that I feel *obligated* to do.
And when I’m really honest about it… I think that my saying yes all the time is because I’m afraid. Afraid that clients will stop calling me for work (so scary!). Or that I’ll miss an opportunity. Or that I’ll disappoint someone.
So I declined that job and am really trying to trust that it’s okay. That it’ll work out anyway and she’s not mad at me… and that she’ll call again in the future.
Afterward, I spoke to a friend on the phone and told her that I was working on saying no compassionately. And she liked that phrase… I said I was trying to really listen to my gut and give myself a little more time when making decisions so I could know if it’s something I really wanted to do, or if it was something that I was saying yes to out of habit or reflex or obligation. Would I just be cramming it in because I thought I had to? — or was it something I would do joyfully?
Or is there a way to compromise? –
Last Friday I got an email from a gallery I am working with now about scheduling a show for next year. (hi kate!) She wrote and said they’d like to have me for a solo show. And I was so flattered… but I decided I would think about it over the weekend. I weighed how much work went into the last solo show and what my priorities are for next year. And ultimately, I decided to say no.
So I emailed her back on Monday, heart pounding, and explained my situation… what I had in mind for next year and asking if she would instead consider a group show. I hit ’send’ and congratulated myself for doing what was right for me (and then prayed she would not be mad at me).
And y’know… within the hour she emailed back and said that was totally fine. She understood and was thrilled about curating a group show.
!!
So now I am challenging myself every day to really look at what I say yes to. And where I can give myself space by saying no. Trusting it will all be okay. And no one will hate me. I’ll let you know how it goes. :)
August 29th, 2007 at 2:47 pm
Congrats! Saying no is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to learn. The good news is that when you say it once, it gets much easier and you feel less guilty. The trick for me was realizing that when I was saying ‘yes’ to a client, I was saying ‘no’ to my husband, my family and myself. Once you look at it like that, saying no to a client is so much easier.
August 29th, 2007 at 3:35 pm
girl, you are smart and intuitive. good for you. you are such a mentor…
xo
August 29th, 2007 at 3:51 pm
wonderful wonderful wonderful!! And I love these photos too!!!
August 29th, 2007 at 4:09 pm
Thank you! This is just what I needed to read today. Tonia’s comment (#1) is also excellent, that saying yes to a client can mean saying no to my husband and kids. And me!
August 30th, 2007 at 12:36 am
Thanks Penelope for this post. Ever since my son was born I’ve been struggling with time, procrastination, deciding how to spend my time and my _energy_. This past month has been particularly difficult and my blog is full of posts about not spending time “wisely”. I have a full time job which is pretty secure, so incoming money is less of an issue, but the pressure to get more done in less time is huge. You give me courage.
August 30th, 2007 at 7:21 am
amen sista! and it is okay. i went through this especially my first year of freelance. bryce and
i were just discussing this issue. you will find a balance!
August 30th, 2007 at 7:34 am
this is so good Penelope.
August 30th, 2007 at 8:55 am
I think it takes courage to turn down work, especially if one is self-employed. It’s good that you are listening to your gut, Penelope. From reading your posts here, it seems that you are a pretty together person. You’re just trying a new path in career and life. It seems to me that you didn’t so much turn down the work entirely. When you said that you weren’t up to a solo show next year, you provided a Plan B for your client by proposing a group show. Smart girl!
August 30th, 2007 at 11:16 am
Saying no (with compassion) gets easier with time and practice. So does walking away (with compassion) from things you’ve already said yes to.
Yeah for you — you challenged your thinking and found your own middle ground.
August 30th, 2007 at 11:19 am
I agree. Saying no is the hardest thing and I feel exactly the same way and struggle with the same issues.
August 30th, 2007 at 12:54 pm
Thanks for the lesson learned ~ what is that saying~a wise mans learns from another man’s mistakes~ or in your case, another woman’s courage! I look forward to your “encouraging” results!
August 30th, 2007 at 5:48 pm
I blinked when I saw the title of your post. It seems a direct answer to my own post of today (or at least permission to sit with it for awhile longer before making a decision).
I saw an Oprah show once about learning to say no, and she said when put on the spot, she will often say “Let me pray on it”. Then come back in a few days with, “Sorry. God said no.”
I’m not big on praying, but you gotta love it :-)
August 30th, 2007 at 6:14 pm
Congratulations! That is a very difficult and courageous thing you did.
And yes, there is always that little nagging voice, what if.. And as Kelly put it, finding the balance is the key here!
August 31st, 2007 at 1:43 am
Of course that client will call you back. If not it’s their loss, not yours. They miss out on some great art made by a person who is so dedicated to the job and wants to do eveything possible to make it look great. Now tell me, what kind of a client would not call that person back? A dumb one, that’s for sure. And frankly, you do not want to work for such a client.
August 31st, 2007 at 2:53 pm
You’ve so eloquently stated what I’m constantly learning to do … even after 10 years of freelance consulting/writing. Thank you!
September 1st, 2007 at 10:50 am
I totally understand you, when I started to say “no” I felt horrible, so guilty and afraid!! but more healthy and happy afterwards, so now I know it is fine :)
good luck with everything!!!
monica
September 2nd, 2007 at 4:38 am
Hi this is the first time I have read your blog, but this is a topic that really hits home.
A wise lady told me once, that every time you say yes to something, you say no to something else. So it is important to really examine what will suffer for every commitment you make. Sounds like you are on the right track.
Love your blog and am going to go look around some more.
September 2nd, 2007 at 10:03 am
Wouldn’t it be radical to say no with not just compassion, but with celebration–that everyone’s getting the most authentic experience of us, and what we are most available for/passionate about–especially ourselves?? I like to challenge myself with this possibility!
September 2nd, 2007 at 6:08 pm
i love this topic!
and so proud of you.
when we say no to something,
we’re saying a big YES to something else.
:)
a
September 2nd, 2007 at 8:08 pm
I so needed to read this. I am also a YES person and sometimes I make myself crazy saying yes to everything. thank you for your honest post!
September 6th, 2007 at 1:21 am
good on you, maybe you can inspire the rest of us to follow suit. Bad things don’t happen when you say No.
September 7th, 2007 at 10:18 am
Thank you for your honesty. This post had me a little choked up because I could see exactly the same thing in myself. Sometimes it takes the most courage to just say no. I wish you the best.
September 7th, 2007 at 2:34 pm
I can really relate to what you are writing about saying no, it’s very hard and I think I will never work again. But it’s good for my health to say no sometimes.
September 13th, 2007 at 8:44 am
Hey P.
I love your blog, as well as illustration friday. I think we can all relate to having to say “no compassionately”. It’s hard. Especially if you are an illustrator with a large overhead. That’s where you have to say yes passionately. Moral - overhead low, passion high. See you at my studio today, and your husband rocks. In a very platonic way of course.
September 13th, 2007 at 12:38 pm
This entire summer has been about working on saying no more…you are doing the right thing, and I know (boy do I know) how scary it can be at times. Keep going…you will be so much happier!
September 19th, 2007 at 9:06 am
this is totally a sign of growth. P you did the right thing–don’t doubt it. work will come in. you put yourself out there and it always does, ya know?
but yeah, it’s hard. just reassure yourself. i’m really glad you did that. i wish i could do the same and am going to try to!