slow down…
April 23, 2007
It’s like a freight train barreling down the tracks full speed. Working and doing this much all the time. I feel sometimes like I’m addicted to this fast pace… hurling my energy forward constantly. Living on momentum and adrenaline, and hardly ever stopping to just breathe and be. (And yes, I do art for a living which makes that last thought seem sort of ridiculous, I’ll admit.)
Someone commented a while back that I seem to be doing more in one day than she could do in two weeks. And I laughed to myself and felt really ashamed of not protecting my free time. And ashamed for not going after the balance that I supposedly try so hard to get (if I know how to get balanced, why don’t I make choices to get there?) And that comment made me think: Really now, this can only last so long till I collapse… totally exhausted and out of steam.
That was months ago. And Friday night it finally caught up with me. I was tired. In tears. And wiped out. I emailed a friend through tears and was surprised because she came back yelling… “You can’t afford keep going at this kind of killer pace because it will eventually kill your creative spirit,” she said. “Your work will continue growing and shifting and changing and reaching and being relevant and appealing and marketable AS LONG AS YOU TAKE CARE OF YOUR INNER ARTIST. And frankly? Right now? you’re totally sabotaging yourself by continuing to overwork yourself to the point where you are no longer enjoying it and feel like some never ending robotic shmuck who’s just supposed to crank it out like a f***ing photocopier. Well, you’re not a photocopier. You are a living breathing beautiful blooming completely overworked and overtired human being who deserves to spend time on herself, thinking about herself, loving and caring for herself.”
And the flood gates opened… I knew she was right. And I needed to do something immediate and drastic…
We were scheduled to go to the big air show in Beaufort, watching it on base with my brother and Alison (I’m glad we didn’t because of the blue angel’s crash… too much bad news to take right now). But at the last minute, I told Colin that I really needed a weekend at home where we did nothing. No projects. No work. No errands. Just sitting around doing nothing.
And that’s just what we did. Nada. (I did get a few groceries, does that count?)
And it was the hardest thing I’ve done in a long, long time. Lounging in the sun sounded so nice, but the whole time I felt like I was doing it wrong. I was anxious and edgy… Shouldn’t I be working on a home project? Shouldn’t I be painting or doing something creative? Shouldn’t I work on Illustration Friday or clean my house or finally unpack the rest of my studio? Or at least check an email or two?
And yet I forced myself to just sit with the discomfort… every now and then asking Colin if he felt it too (he did).
It was work to do nothing. How ironic. I think maybe it’s the sort of thing that gets easier with practice (like illustration). And I realized that there will always be a pile of stuff to do. That never ending flow. And I can dive in and try to tackle it all right this second. Or I could tackle some of it now and leave the rest for later. It will still be there and the world will not come apart if it’s not done *right now*.
I really need to take better care of my inner artist… and this weekend was a big first step I think.
What do you do to care for yours?
April 23rd, 2007 at 3:59 pm
It’s VERY hard to let yourself do nothing when the mind is screaming–move! move!
Hooray for enduring the discomfort of rest!
I meditate and watch my breath–it takes a full 10 min. to quit processing the busyness of my list and to get into the depths. But then it happens and I feel SOOO much better when I get up!
April 23rd, 2007 at 4:13 pm
wow. your friend is really smart. :D
April 23rd, 2007 at 7:22 pm
oh i know just what you’re talking about.
i thought living in the secluded mountains would make me slow down…but no. i can’t help it though, i love everything i do. but in the past couple years, i’ve noticed when i’m maxed out in every direction, it shows. so, i got a ski pass in the winter, already started growing starts for our garden this spring(!) and most recently am working on a project JUST FOR ME. (i’m painting this old wooden cabinet into a chai cabinet. so so fun and i immediately feel gooood.)
it’s hard though…i often feel like i should be painting, emailing, planning. i even feel like i’m getting ‘behind’ sometimes, but life is too short to work all the time! it really is all about balance…
April 23rd, 2007 at 9:45 pm
Hi, Penelope;
I dropped by your blog to compliment you on the recent illustration I saw in NY times just yesterday - (by the way - you are great!) But after I read this post I realized that I would like to thank you for sharing this experience of non-working weekend even more that I want to thank you for the inspiring illustration.
Because it helps me look for that special moment to take care of my inner life… I usually exercise - a good tennis match, jog - something to completely stop thinking with the brain - and think with muscles. But recently I find it not enough - I need something to stop running in my mind before I start running with my legs. An ability to make a pause before action - that is something I think is the most complicated thing for me and I am still in search for the best way to pause ;)
April 23rd, 2007 at 10:51 pm
I hurt my back a while ago and had no choice but to do nothing for about 3 days and it was hell! I just can’t do it! Granted I have 2 little ones that make the choas greater but I have to take time out mentally or my art suffers too. Sounds daft but I took up knitting which I haven’t done since I was a kid which means I get to sit and relax but I still feel like I am doing something without the pressure. Like Jenny says you need to find something that’s just for you. If you don’t look after yourself you won’t be good for anything!
April 23rd, 2007 at 11:51 pm
i think you deserve to repeat this weekend’s relaxation more often! the countryside helps me chill and fortunately a 2 minute walk from home and i’m there, going for a walk, perhaps with my camera so i can take photos of flowers and other little details i notice. big open skies, strong old trees, earth smells, animal sounds, all a slower pace. ‘love it and it charges me with new energies
April 24th, 2007 at 3:55 am
I am halfway through a gift to myself. I took 2 weeks of from work without any real plans to do anything or go anywhere. I’ve crossed a few things off my to do list but I’ve tried really hard not to put any pressure on myself to get such and such done. It’s been such a pleasure to just take my time and not feel so rushed. It is very hard to just relax and the day unfold without a list of what I am supposed to get done and to not feel guilty for not getting this and that finished.
April 24th, 2007 at 5:31 am
its funny….i don’t have the {creative career} that you do, but i still get so caught up
in the rat race. sometimes i get down because i never seem to head in the direction [creatively]
that i yearn for. i often talk to bryce about this, and i continue to come back to the fact that
right now ihave 3 kids to think of and to parent. for me, that is the bottom line. so there are nites that i am up at 1am, frantically trying to hit a deadline, because i have been carting kids around all day, etc. and i don’t take care of me. wether it is the physical me, artisticme or the emotional me. bryce keeps saying, schedule the me time, you have to do that. and good girl for taking the weekend to revamp. that is what the weekend is for. your friend did you a big favor for
being honest. i am sure it stung a bit, but who better to do it. take care of yourself everything else will fall into place.
happy tuesday chickie
April 24th, 2007 at 6:09 am
Your friend is smart. It’s too bad I didn’t have a friend who told me this and I am finally coming up from a humongous creative slump. I know what it feels like to burn the candle at both ends and in the middle. I am a full time CD, with a flourishing freelance design and illustration business…and I’m a mom of two. Yes, there will always be a pile of stuff (for me, especially, laundry — One day I thought about the fact that there will still be dirty laundry even on the day I leave this earth.) Stop stressing about it and do things to nurture your creative soul. For me it could be as simple as taking lunch at a nearby park, eating salad overlooking the ducks on Swift Creek. Yesterday, I had errands to run after work so I took the scenic route with my sunroof open and windows down (almost as good as on a motorbike!). Riding through the tunnels of new spring growth on the backroads of Virginia really helped the mojo. You have to find the outlet…early morning runs (or walks) and the rare and lovely soak in the tub! Feed your creative spirit, Penelope.
April 24th, 2007 at 10:46 am
penelope,
i think you and i both know we are leading parallel lives in this department of busy :)
Had these exact conversations with dana while on our trip. I’m comforted to know we can talk about this and understand each other. Maybe we should just have routine ’slap each other in the forehead’ get togethers. Sound good?
:)
April 25th, 2007 at 11:25 am
Right now I’m just trying to get to the point where I’m up to my eyeballs with work! ;-)
When I get to that point, and I know I will, I hope I have enough grace and conviction that you do to step aside for a little and clear my head. I’ve told my wife that no matter how busy I would get with illustrations (fingers crossed), she and our future family take precedence over my work. You have shown us how to do that. Thank you.
I tend to work in different places of the house. And outside. I carry my little drawing board, take my pencils and pens, draw my image, then come inside to finish it, or go from the entertainment room to the office.
Thank you for inspiring us!
April 25th, 2007 at 8:43 pm
Wow, congratulations. That’s tough to do. I thought it might actually be impossible to do, but there you are, living proof…
:)
April 29th, 2007 at 8:38 am
somehow i missed this post p. i feel a kindred spirit here. i had the same breakdown this week. which was intended to be some sort of home vacation. ha! i failed miserably.
but what i am going to do now to feed my inner artist is to play. allow myself to play on a stack of 11×14 inch heavy card. each one having no “goal”. the only time i can work on those is when everything else is put away.(and shut off… er, computer) hopefully the stack will nurture me. perhaps i will do that in the kitchen too with only three paints and charcoal.