Penelope Illustration • Penelope Dullaghan

We just got back from a much needed trip visiting my grandma at the beach in south Florida. It was warm, sunny, and slow paced. Being outside in the sun sunk in deep and woke up that part of me that goes dormant with the winter grays. I’m SO ready for spring…

In my downtime (my mom traveled with us so I actually had a little!), I was thinking about to-do lists… and how you never get to the end of them. They just keep going. You can cross ten things off, but then you always add on 5 more. And really, that’s all good and well because I think that if you ever did finish everything you ever had to work on or get taken care of, you’d be looking around like “helloooo! What the hell do I do now?!” You know? I heard once that people need three things to be happy: something to do, something to love, and something to look forward to. I think that might be true.

So I came to the conclusion that it’s ok to always have a running to-do list. More than ok. It’s necessary. And to just chill if there are more things that you can accomplish in one week or one month or one whatever. You don’t need to. Because as soon as you clear that space, something else will come in. So I am going to try to soften around my to-do’s… and go even further to be thankful for them. Because they fulfill one thing required for happiness. Plus, things can wait, and what can’t wait will always get done.

I should go hang out with the old folks more often! hee.

Today is March 4th. My favorite date of the year because it’s also a command.

MARCH FORTH! And we shall … um… move forward in that direction!

Can I get some dork love?

I didn’t realize it’d been so long since I posted! Good grief. We’ve been busy around here.

Of course, Veda’s been busy turning one. And she turned one beautifully. Chocolate cake all up in her grill. Hair. Ears.

She’s in the pic sitting at her birthday present from her dad and I. We found this little table and chairs at a second hand shop. It was already beat up and painted a couple of times in a bright red. So we thought it’d be perfect! No one will care if she draws on it, spills on it, paints all over it…

And you know she will…

And I’ve been working on all the elements for my Illustration 101 Class for the Wishfull e-retreat. Here is a still from a video I was recording. It didn’t go well, obviously, with this little boogie crashing the party every chance she got. :)

Life’s been full lately. Dancing. Growling like lions. Traveling. Wishing for spring …Been thinking of some new ideas, but they are all still formulating. Gotta give them some space to bloom. :)

One year ago today this little girl entered our lives… and suddenly I was a mother. And she was my daughter. I can hardly believe it’s already been a year. That those first grueling but beautiful months are gone. That I’ve witnessed someone smile for the first time. Laugh for the first time. Work hard to get up on her hands and knees to crawl. And then work even harder to stand up on two legs to walk across the room. It’s been amazing. There’s really no other word to describe it.

And I feel so blessed. Because I am the one who gets to hold her soft, chubby hand. I am the one she turns to when she bumps her head. And I am the one who gets teach her things like how to say that she’s one and hold up a single finger. I can’t believe how lucky I am. I get to be Veda’s mama.

Veda’s name means knowledge or wisdom in Sanskrit. And according to Hindu tradition the Vedas are said to have been divinely revealed. Not formulated, but given. And that’s exactly how I feel about my Veda. Like God gave me this divine little being to watch over and guide and learn from. And I am here doing just that.

Happy first birthday, my little girl.

This weekend was a yoga training weekend. (We are about half way through the actual class meetings. I’m nowhere near completing my hours though.) I look forward to these weekends so much. Getting together with fellow yogi’s. Chanting. Om-ing. Doing the hardest asana practice I’ve done since last time we met. Learning. Learning. Learning. So much learning.

This weekend we studied upward facing backbends. With the biggie being Urdhva Dhanurasana or Upward Facing Bow. I used to do this pose all the time as a kid. When I was soft and playful and really open. Before I knew yoga even existed. It was nothing. And I guess I haven’t done it in a long time. Because when we were getting closer to this pose, I started to get really fearful. And I did not expect it. This emotion totally took me by surprise.

We practiced first with props. Bending over chairs. Bolsters. Blocks. Really supported. We even did an assisted one with straps that was really cool. But I was the last to go because I was so nervous. When it came to doing the pose on our own – no props, I was smacking up against my fear big time. It was right up in my face, and I felt like I was going to burst into tears at any moment. I had that tightness in my throat that you get when you are holding back emotion. And tightness in the throat and Upward Bow do not mix. Bow is all about opening… the heart… the throat… the whole front body. It’s a very expansive pose and is supposed to build confidence and energy to the point that you feel like you’re flying.

And here I was feeling tight and nervous and, well, stupid because I was feeling all those other things.

Needless to say, I couldn’t push up into the pose. My arms didn’t have it in them. But really, I know it was because I was holding onto my fear and sadness. I couldn’t let it go.

I was really disappointed and it darkened the remainder of the day. I clammed up and didn’t contribute anything in the class discussion. I took notes silently. I didn’t volunteer to be the guinea pig like I normally would’ve. I just felt sad and like I was a failure. I even came home that night and cried over something completely trivial.

The sadness about the whole situation is gone now. But I’ve been noticing my fear has stuck around. I am seeing lots of things I’m afraid of when it comes yoga that I have been hesitant to admit or give too much thought to. For instance: I don’t know how I will ever be able to get in front of a class and teach this stuff. I’m so afraid I’ll be a terrible teacher. I’m afraid of speaking in public and being in front of people. I’m afraid I won’t find my own voice.

I’m afraid that because other people have so much more knowledge and experience than me and are further along on their yogic path, that it’s pointless for me to talk about or try to articulate my own understandings. I’m afraid that I’ll never feel my wholeness and know myself well enough to be a clear channel for my potential students. I’m afraid this is just a pipe dream.

See? So much fear. How do I get ahold of this and start to bring light to it? I don’t know. Keep practicing?

Did I have this much fear as I was starting illustration?

*note to self: I know you will one day bust through all this. And when you do, I want you to come back to this post and acknowledge how far you’ve come. Acknowledge your work. And honor how you conquered your fear.

I mentioned before that I am going to be in New Hampshire this fall at the Pixie Sessions at Squam Art Workshops, teaching classes and enjoying a retreat at beautiful Squam Lake… I am really excited about this because I am co-teaching with my dear friend Christine AND I am bringing along my little family… (And I’m so much more comfortable with my clan around, so I am hoping to let down my hair a little more this time around.) :)

The Pixie Sessions is a four day retreat that is all about family and creativity and camping. And integrating all of those into a big ball of goodness. It’s a place where you can go for solo classes if you wish, and also take classes with your bambino. Or you can just be and enjoy the area… fishing, boating, swimming, reading. I won’t say there’s “something for everyone” because I don’t believe in crap like that. But there’s a lot going on for creative mamas and papas and kiddos. And I do think it’ll be fun and inspiring.

I am teaching Printmaking, Mixed Media Journaling and Illustration. Click here for my teaching schedule.

On Monday Squam opened early registration. It’s all by mail and you can find out everything you’d like to know here.

I hope to see some of you there!

Four of my pieces were chosen for 3X3 Magazine’s Illustration Annual No.6! One received a bronze! Check out the Press page to see them.

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Sorry for these last few short posts. I’ve been scrambling to knock things off my list during short nap times… :)

hello! Just a heads up for those not subscribed to the rss feed: I posted a new entry on the News page about new Starbucks work. :) There’s a fourth one coming out for Valentine’s day. It’s pretty in pink.

This was Veda’s toy of choice for most of the afternoon. A tiny little stick that probably came from the handle of her toy basket. Not an inch long. About an eighth of an inch round. She has lots of music makers and books and blocks to choose from. But she chose this little stick.

I found it fascinating to watch her play with this. She tried it out on different surfaces… what did it look like on her pink pant ruffles? the ottoman? the carpet? on a white pillow? She made up a game of nearly handing it to me and then psyching me out at the last second and pulling it back. She let the cat sniff it. She put it in her hair. She would eye me sideways and almost put it in her mouth, waiting for me to say no, and then when I did she’d laugh hysterically. She’d fall over into a pile of pillows while holding it up in the air.

All these little games from an itty bitty stick. Crazy. It made me think a couple of things: the most obvious… man, kids (well, my kid at least, right now) DO NOT need a ton of toys. She needs simple things she can imagine into. Little things to discover. And tactile things to experience. And secondly, all my chit chat about noticing and watching and just being? Wanting to really see things as they are? I got nothin’ on Veda. She is showing me what it means to really see. All these possibilities.

“Only those who look with the eyes of children can lose themselves in the object of their wonder.”  ~ Eberhard Arnold

The next step in my yoga training involves shadowing and assisting a working teacher. I’ll start by simply observing for a few classes until the students get comfortable with me there, and then begin helping the teacher more actively. I need to get about 15 classes under my belt to achieve this portion of the program.

The only problem with this is that there are no yoga classes or qualified teachers in my area. (I’d have to drive an hour to reach a studio. And when you consider that round trip plus class time, it adds up to about a 3.5 hours for each class. This is not a possibility with a baby.) So I am not sure what to do here. I’ve been wracking my brain, but have come up with no solutions.

So I thought I’d just throw this dilemma out here (onto the blog, into the universe, upon the great nothingness) and see what happens. If you have any suggestions or brilliant ideas, please let me know. Cause I got nothing’. :)