Penelope Illustration • Penelope Dullaghan

This weekend was a yoga training weekend. (We are about half way through the actual class meetings. I’m nowhere near completing my hours though.) I look forward to these weekends so much. Getting together with fellow yogi’s. Chanting. Om-ing. Doing the hardest asana practice I’ve done since last time we met. Learning. Learning. Learning. So much learning.

This weekend we studied upward facing backbends. With the biggie being Urdhva Dhanurasana or Upward Facing Bow. I used to do this pose all the time as a kid. When I was soft and playful and really open. Before I knew yoga even existed. It was nothing. And I guess I haven’t done it in a long time. Because when we were getting closer to this pose, I started to get really fearful. And I did not expect it. This emotion totally took me by surprise.

We practiced first with props. Bending over chairs. Bolsters. Blocks. Really supported. We even did an assisted one with straps that was really cool. But I was the last to go because I was so nervous. When it came to doing the pose on our own – no props, I was smacking up against my fear big time. It was right up in my face, and I felt like I was going to burst into tears at any moment. I had that tightness in my throat that you get when you are holding back emotion. And tightness in the throat and Upward Bow do not mix. Bow is all about opening… the heart… the throat… the whole front body. It’s a very expansive pose and is supposed to build confidence and energy to the point that you feel like you’re flying.

And here I was feeling tight and nervous and, well, stupid because I was feeling all those other things.

Needless to say, I couldn’t push up into the pose. My arms didn’t have it in them. But really, I know it was because I was holding onto my fear and sadness. I couldn’t let it go.

I was really disappointed and it darkened the remainder of the day. I clammed up and didn’t contribute anything in the class discussion. I took notes silently. I didn’t volunteer to be the guinea pig like I normally would’ve. I just felt sad and like I was a failure. I even came home that night and cried over something completely trivial.

The sadness about the whole situation is gone now. But I’ve been noticing my fear has stuck around. I am seeing lots of things I’m afraid of when it comes yoga that I have been hesitant to admit or give too much thought to. For instance: I don’t know how I will ever be able to get in front of a class and teach this stuff. I’m so afraid I’ll be a terrible teacher. I’m afraid of speaking in public and being in front of people. I’m afraid I won’t find my own voice.

I’m afraid that because other people have so much more knowledge and experience than me and are further along on their yogic path, that it’s pointless for me to talk about or try to articulate my own understandings. I’m afraid that I’ll never feel my wholeness and know myself well enough to be a clear channel for my potential students. I’m afraid this is just a pipe dream.

See? So much fear. How do I get ahold of this and start to bring light to it? I don’t know. Keep practicing?

Did I have this much fear as I was starting illustration?

*note to self: I know you will one day bust through all this. And when you do, I want you to come back to this post and acknowledge how far you’ve come. Acknowledge your work. And honor how you conquered your fear.

I mentioned before that I am going to be in New Hampshire this fall at the Pixie Sessions at Squam Art Workshops, teaching classes and enjoying a retreat at beautiful Squam Lake… I am really excited about this because I am co-teaching with my dear friend Christine AND I am bringing along my little family… (And I’m so much more comfortable with my clan around, so I am hoping to let down my hair a little more this time around.) :)

The Pixie Sessions is a four day retreat that is all about family and creativity and camping. And integrating all of those into a big ball of goodness. It’s a place where you can go for solo classes if you wish, and also take classes with your bambino. Or you can just be and enjoy the area… fishing, boating, swimming, reading. I won’t say there’s “something for everyone” because I don’t believe in crap like that. But there’s a lot going on for creative mamas and papas and kiddos. And I do think it’ll be fun and inspiring.

I am teaching Printmaking, Mixed Media Journaling and Illustration. Click here for my teaching schedule.

On Monday Squam opened early registration. It’s all by mail and you can find out everything you’d like to know here.

I hope to see some of you there!

Four of my pieces were chosen for 3X3 Magazine’s Illustration Annual No.6! One received a bronze! Check out the Press page to see them.

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Sorry for these last few short posts. I’ve been scrambling to knock things off my list during short nap times… :)

hello! Just a heads up for those not subscribed to the rss feed: I posted a new entry on the News page about new Starbucks work. :) There’s a fourth one coming out for Valentine’s day. It’s pretty in pink.

This was Veda’s toy of choice for most of the afternoon. A tiny little stick that probably came from the handle of her toy basket. Not an inch long. About an eighth of an inch round. She has lots of music makers and books and blocks to choose from. But she chose this little stick.

I found it fascinating to watch her play with this. She tried it out on different surfaces… what did it look like on her pink pant ruffles? the ottoman? the carpet? on a white pillow? She made up a game of nearly handing it to me and then psyching me out at the last second and pulling it back. She let the cat sniff it. She put it in her hair. She would eye me sideways and almost put it in her mouth, waiting for me to say no, and then when I did she’d laugh hysterically. She’d fall over into a pile of pillows while holding it up in the air.

All these little games from an itty bitty stick. Crazy. It made me think a couple of things: the most obvious… man, kids (well, my kid at least, right now) DO NOT need a ton of toys. She needs simple things she can imagine into. Little things to discover. And tactile things to experience. And secondly, all my chit chat about noticing and watching and just being? Wanting to really see things as they are? I got nothin’ on Veda. She is showing me what it means to really see. All these possibilities.

“Only those who look with the eyes of children can lose themselves in the object of their wonder.”  ~ Eberhard Arnold

The next step in my yoga training involves shadowing and assisting a working teacher. I’ll start by simply observing for a few classes until the students get comfortable with me there, and then begin helping the teacher more actively. I need to get about 15 classes under my belt to achieve this portion of the program.

The only problem with this is that there are no yoga classes or qualified teachers in my area. (I’d have to drive an hour to reach a studio. And when you consider that round trip plus class time, it adds up to about a 3.5 hours for each class. This is not a possibility with a baby.) So I am not sure what to do here. I’ve been wracking my brain, but have come up with no solutions.

So I thought I’d just throw this dilemma out here (onto the blog, into the universe, upon the great nothingness) and see what happens. If you have any suggestions or brilliant ideas, please let me know. Cause I got nothing’. :)

the middle of winter feels like a good time to nest. being inside so much makes me scrutinize this house and come up with new ideas and configurations. (i love interior decorating. it’s a hobby of mine. i’m not stellar at it by any means, but i do enjoy reading about it and trying little (cheap!) things to change up my home). i also like that it’s creative, but in a totally different way than doing illustration.

lately i’ve:

- inherited a little piano desk from my mom which i set up at the top of the stairs as a new work space for colin. it’s right by the window and fit nicely under some art that was already hanging there. feels very “writerly”. hopefully it’ll inspire some good work from colin.

- spotted some glass lamps at the local junk/consignment store and talked them into selling them to me for $7.50 a piece. (what a steal!) i set them up on the nightstands and they instantly refreshed the room.

- rearranged some furniture in my living room. one of the end tables was antique and wobbly… and steadily becoming more so because little hands like to push on it and shake it. so i replaced it with a sturdy little table i already had in my studio. and used the old free standing bedroom lamp to replace the table top one. problem solved!

- been dreaming up new colors for our hall bathroom… paint is cheap and i want to do something bold… been gathering clips of inspiration from magazines.

i’m adding this as one thing i like about winter.

I am so excited to finally share this with you!

Shari and Sheri over at this joy+ride have just posted my contribution. Shari asked me to dream up something for the January issue, and I went to work on it. (This is that personal work that I mentioned way back when…)

I was originally thinking about submitting simple illustrations or paintings, but I was inspired to do something different. And I thought I needed a little challenge. (I can never take the easy way, huh?) So I took on the task of learning and doing an animation. I panicked for a while as I tried different ideas on how to accomplish this, until I landed on the oldest form of animation – cel animation where it’s done frame by frame.

(I based my idea on something really personal to me, which made it a labor of love. That helped as I was slugging through it. hee.)

And I know it’s nothing compared to most of the super cool animations out there. But I’m proud of myself for completing my little challenge.

I hope you will enjoy it.

(Thank you again to s+s for thinking of me!)

High Tide by Barbara Kingsolver
In my own worst seasons
I’ve come back
From the colorless world of despair
By forcing myself to look hard,
For a long time, At a single glorious thing

A flame of red geranium
Outside my bedroom window
And then another:
My daughter in a yellow dress
And another:
The perfect outline of a full
Dark sphere behind the crescent moon

Until I learned to be in love with life again
Like a stroke victim
Retraining new parts of the brain
To grasp lost skills,
I have taught myself joy,
Over and over again…

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I ran across this poem recently and transcribed it into my journal immediately. I love this reminder that joy is something that you practice. Something you keep doing and keep choosing. It’s a skill to be learned.

So I’ve been doing just that. Practicing joy. Looking at the glorious things that are in my day to day. It does work. But it takes a lot of being gentle with myself… Kindly reminding myself that I’m in training. That it’s ok to start over. And start over. And start over.

Here are two of my glorious things today:

Hiking in the woods this morning. Colin usually goes in the mornings, but he helped me bundle up and graciously allowed me to take his turn. The snow sparkled. I spotted three large deer. Vince rolled around and jumped through deep snow. And I did a few half sun-salutations facing the sun itself. I returned home feeling like a new person.

My little red head. This kid radiates joy. She has a game of fake laughing until she starts laughing for real. She is constantly hungry and is always signing for blueberries or grapes or graham crackers. She loves to be chased. She waves at everyone we come across and smiles at them. It’s like she’s saying, “Hi, my name is Veda! Let’s be friends!”

Tomorrow is another chance to spot the glorious.

Just popping in to let you know that I am going to be teaching again at Squam this year. This is a special event because it is designed for parents (or grandparents) and the kiddos both! Family creative time. :) It’s called the Pixie Session, titled after the brave and beautiful miss Pixie Campbell. I think this is going to be so fun… especially because my whole family is going (myself, hubs Colin, and baby Veda) — Yay!

I will be teaching two classes (Printmaking and Mixed Media Journaling) in tandem with one of my very dear friends, Christine Castro-Hughes. And teaching Illustration class solo. So lots of goodness to offer.

I hope you’ll come out and play.

Happy Friday people!

xo