Subscribehello fear
This weekend was a yoga training weekend. (We are about half way through the actual class meetings. I’m nowhere near completing my hours though.) I look forward to these weekends so much. Getting together with fellow yogi’s. Chanting. Om-ing. Doing the hardest asana practice I’ve done since last time we met. Learning. Learning. Learning. So much learning.
This weekend we studied upward facing backbends. With the biggie being Urdhva Dhanurasana or Upward Facing Bow. I used to do this pose all the time as a kid. When I was soft and playful and really open. Before I knew yoga even existed. It was nothing. And I guess I haven’t done it in a long time. Because when we were getting closer to this pose, I started to get really fearful. And I did not expect it. This emotion totally took me by surprise.
We practiced first with props. Bending over chairs. Bolsters. Blocks. Really supported. We even did an assisted one with straps that was really cool. But I was the last to go because I was so nervous. When it came to doing the pose on our own – no props, I was smacking up against my fear big time. It was right up in my face, and I felt like I was going to burst into tears at any moment. I had that tightness in my throat that you get when you are holding back emotion. And tightness in the throat and Upward Bow do not mix. Bow is all about opening… the heart… the throat… the whole front body. It’s a very expansive pose and is supposed to build confidence and energy to the point that you feel like you’re flying.
And here I was feeling tight and nervous and, well, stupid because I was feeling all those other things.
Needless to say, I couldn’t push up into the pose. My arms didn’t have it in them. But really, I know it was because I was holding onto my fear and sadness. I couldn’t let it go.
I was really disappointed and it darkened the remainder of the day. I clammed up and didn’t contribute anything in the class discussion. I took notes silently. I didn’t volunteer to be the guinea pig like I normally would’ve. I just felt sad and like I was a failure. I even came home that night and cried over something completely trivial.
The sadness about the whole situation is gone now. But I’ve been noticing my fear has stuck around. I am seeing lots of things I’m afraid of when it comes yoga that I have been hesitant to admit or give too much thought to. For instance: I don’t know how I will ever be able to get in front of a class and teach this stuff. I’m so afraid I’ll be a terrible teacher. I’m afraid of speaking in public and being in front of people. I’m afraid I won’t find my own voice.
I’m afraid that because other people have so much more knowledge and experience than me and are further along on their yogic path, that it’s pointless for me to talk about or try to articulate my own understandings. I’m afraid that I’ll never feel my wholeness and know myself well enough to be a clear channel for my potential students. I’m afraid this is just a pipe dream.
See? So much fear. How do I get ahold of this and start to bring light to it? I don’t know. Keep practicing?
Did I have this much fear as I was starting illustration?
*note to self: I know you will one day bust through all this. And when you do, I want you to come back to this post and acknowledge how far you’ve come. Acknowledge your work. And honor how you conquered your fear.
Your note to self is wise. My guess is that simply getting all of this out by typing it, just typing the words, will make you feel better about the whole situation.
Teaching is hard. What people rarely talk about is that it’s also kind of fun, getting that kick of adrenaline. And people listening to what you’re saying. Also, well… yoga is best taught (or learned – I’ve never taught yoga, only language) by touch, you might not have to say much :) I think your fear is more common than you’d assume. And that you’ll be great at it :)
I think everyone is afraid when they start teaching – talk to your fellow students because others feel the same, I’m sure.
As to the fear- I find that when teaching, it helps to TALK about that. Your students will appreciate the vulnerability (as yoga can be an intimidating process) and it may inspire them to ‘let-go’ themselves.
Conquering it? Have someone spot you. It’s amazing how the gentle touch of two hands below your shoulder blades helps to lift you up and support you, even if they’re not bearing much weight. Trust someone to be there for you and you’re halfway there.
fear is so interesting, isn’t it? you have confidence, though, penny….it helped you write that note to self. you will break through the fear and perhaps will help many a student to do the same. sending hugs your way.
This is why you will be a good teacher – because many of your students will have fears, and you will be able to guide them beyond those fears with compassion and grace.
Hi there – I found your blog via Leonie’s comment section …
I can so relate to what you wrote here … I did my yoga teacher training – YIKES! – almost 10 years ago. I can tell you, it marked the beginning of an amazing transformation in my life. Anyway, I too wondered how I would ever be brave enough to actually teach and I questioned whether I had the right to teach when there were so many asanas I could not do and probably would never do. One day, our fabulous mentor/director (amazingly beautiful, accomplished yogini) talked about her experience in teacher training and how it took her 7 years after she finished to start teaching! I’ll never forget what she said: One day her love of the teachings and the practice became greater than her fear of teaching and she began. Later on, I realized I may not be able to share with my students the intricacies of some poses like scorpion or hopping through from dog into seated forward fold, but what I can share is my love and enthusiasm for yoga and what it has meant to me in my life. As another teacher put it, you are not teaching, you are sharing love.
You left a note for Leonie regarding finding a mentor or guru. I wanted to share my experience … I practically craved a guru to guide me (never mind my greatest challenge was/is learning to trust and believe in myself and the inner teacher) … early on when I first started practicing yoga, I had a very intense dream that involved many of my teachers and this bald man who was all blue. I didn’t know anything about the hindu deities, so I did not recognize the blue as a sign of divinity. That dream stuck with me and years later after I had completed my initial training at Kripalu I received a book about swami Kripalu with a number of pictures in it. I was familiar with an image of him from the end of his life when he was older and thinner. When I looked inside, I saw a picture of him younger and it was the blue man from my dream! I had already committed to Kripalu as my path … I seemingly stumbled upon that school … but then I realized my guru had been guiding me all along. I just didn’t know it. And I needed to believe in myself before I could take in his teachings.
So, in my experience, it is absolutely true: when the student is ready, the teacher will come. Your guru/mentor will find you – may indeed already be guiding you. In time it will be reveal. Just trust, be open, let the teachings seep into your being and know you are on Your Path. It is all perfect right now.
Jai Bhagwan (The light in me honors the light in you)
Lis
I relate to this…
I try to keep going, in spite of the fear, one little step at a time.
be proud of yourself for being so tuned into your inner dialogue. Talking about the fear is the first step!
Remember, even when you try something and feel as though you “failed”, you’ve still expanded your comfort zone, still accomplished something. The journey isn’t linear and neither is the path of moving toward that which you fear. It’s a twisy, winding, sometimes convoluted path. But you are still traveling.
Be kind to you, and tell that fear that it can make as much noise as it needs to. And then, when it’s done, you’ll step in a different direction!
hugs,
JennyAnn
Two ideas come to mind: When I started teaching (nonyoga) classes, to get over my almost paralyzing shyness, I focused on my enthusiasm for the subject and my wanting to share this amazing topic with newbies. That “show them how great this is” approach helped me so much that later, I was shocked at how my anxieties of public speaking and teaching had shrunk.
As for fear in yoga, I used to HATE all “face on the floor” postures. Anything where my face was down. resting on chin or forehead. was one I did quickly and got out of. After talking about my fear with the teacher, I remembered that my mother had said that I had fallen off a sofa when I was 6 months old. They found me on the floor; I still have the dent in my skull!
So I think I had a pre-memory fear of lying face down on the floor in pain. I kid you not, after that I had less and less fear about doing facedown postures. Bringing that memory into adult consciousness made the fear dissipate.
You may not discover a triggering event for your fear, but consider the possibility.
I have found Pema Chodron to be a grand resource when it comes to fear … her new book if you haven’t seen it already is “Taking the Leap ~ freeing ourselves from old habits and fears” here is a link to the review of the book.
http://www.shambhala.com/html/catalog/items/isbn/978-1-59030-634-5.cfm
and one of her beautiful quotes ~ “Every moment is unique, unknown, completely fresh.”
Thank you for being brave enough to share and may your practice continue.
i totally feel that way about illustration but i keep painting, hoping for a breakthrough or a different perspective. i think it’s part of the journey – maybe like a growing pain. definitely signifies growth.
putting it out there to the world is very brave; you are brave.
Delurking to acknowledge your huge heart and your brave words. Your authenticity and honesty around this subject really speaks to my heart, and I am so glad you posted this. I think your vulnerability is the first step toward being an authentic, grounded teacher. Thank you for sharing this. : )
Penelope,
I am sure you hardly want my two cents, but I just want to say to you, you can. Start small. I know I would love to take a class from you. Try something that hasn’t been done before, a nearly silent yoga class where you don’t talk you just lead the class by doing the poses. I can do wheel of life but when I look at this pose, I get fearful too, because if I understand it correctly you have to go from standing and it scares me even though I is not that different. AND I get so frustrated with my body when I try to do warrior or other standing poses because I simply can’t do them correctly because of my ankle. Last class when it was over tears seeped from my ideas because I thought I will never ever be able to do this, even if I try really hard and practice for years, it is physically impossible. The thing is, YOU, YOU CAN. So please don’t give up on this dream. Part of yoga is accepting your fear I believe. To be with it. You are so amazing and have given me so much inspiration in my life, hope and courage. Don’t loose yours.
Hugs,
Alex.
Thank you for sharing this with us Penny. Fear made me feel like failure all through my 20´s, controlling every part of my life. I used to compare myself with other people constantly, leading me to believe that I would never be as good, talented and creative as them.
Reading your blog has helped me to realize that I am human and I don´t have to be perfect. You are so talented, creative, you have done so many great things in your life, but you still have doubts, fears, you don´t lie to us, pretending to have a perfect life, or pretending that you are always on creative mode, your honesty and strengh is very inspiring to me.
You have showed me that it is ok to go through a rollercoaster of emotions, and still feel ok with what I have accomplished so far and believe in myself.
Thank you Penny from the bottom of my heart. Hang in there, I know that you can do it! You have conquered so many other fears, this one will be another victory for you very soon.
Ps: I like you self note:)
wow. i actually just found your blog via reading about you in communication arts (really awesome article, btw – i felt so inspired by it)! i’ve been an occasional contributor to illustration friday as well, but just never thought to check out your blog before. i also am a yogi and an illustrator, although i got my yoga certification years ago, and only just finished my degree in illustration in 2008. so i feel a bit like we’re flipped versions of each other, in that i am experiencing that same fear, only as it applies to my illustration career. i often feel frozen by it. am i good enough? does my work, my vision, my perception matter? there are so many incredible illustrators out there already (and YOU are high on my list of “damn-i-wish-i-could-do-that” people :)), how can i compete with that?? sometimes it just feels so overwhelming and terrifying. so thank you for this post, because it has made me think about that. and about the possibility of framing my fear differently. when i was studying yoga, i somehow was able to allow myself fear and uncertainty without getting frozen. i felt it, but i trusted my teachers, and the process, and that ultimately led me to trust myself. it gave me tools for coping with that fear, you know? anyway, this is my rambling way of saying: thank you for this post! thank you for your inspiring work! thank you for this blog! and to tell you – i feel your pain sista :) try and trust the universe on this one…. trust the process, trust yourself. when the time comes to teach, you will be ready.
I think I have written here before about how much of what I admire in you is this honesty. To admit frailties and fears, and trying to work on them (or at least to acknowledge them).
Have you realized what a huge step this is? Just noticing and coming face to face with these fears that have been holding you back? The courage it takes? And how few people actually do it?
This is in itself growth, evolution, going further. The qualities I think make a true yogi, although I am even way behind you in my knowledge of what it takes to become it.
It’s all in those last, wise words. :) and it’s all part of that journey.
Don’t be so hard on yourself! Yoga is about having fun, playing, and opening your heart up to new experiences. Be encouraged to have the patience to deliver a difficult pose, you’ll get it one day, when you’re ready. Isn’t one of the yoga philosophies about being non-violent, including being non-violent with yourself? So ease up sister and enjoy the journey!!! Cheers!