Subscribetracks
Hi.
Sorry about that last post. Well, not sorry exactly… it’s what I’ve been feeling so it’s true. But sorry I left no tracks leading up to it.
The biggest deal lately has been the cloud of a decision lingering over head lately… for the last few months at least. This decision is whether to stay here in this tiny town. Or leave and go back to Indianapolis. This would be another big upheaval for us (even though I seem to thrive on large life changing upheavals, I’ll be honest), and we’re not sure we’re 1) up to it again so soon, or 2) whether it’ll solve enough of the problems to make it worth it.
We’ve been really weighing this. Making endless lists of pros and cons. Ups and downs. Dumbs and smarts. And we’re thinking about timing. And finances. And friends. And community. And divinity. And lakes. And babies. And boredom. And truth. Wondering if there is any real answer. Or if it’s just six of one, half dozen of the other. And if so, is that worth anything.
Also been dealing with some work issues. Squeezing a full-time creative job into slivers of time and sleep schedules. Having big ideas and dreams and only being able to take notes here and there with no real progress toward any of them. Timing is off. Days later I look down at scrap papers around the house that say: “heartbeats”, “inner condition gardens”, and “she’s a mountain” and sometimes wonder if I’m crazy.
And speaking of crazy, let’s add yoga into that. I’m in a bad place with it because of my work load and toddling giggle girl right now. I feel like I’m passing it by in the hallways on my way to change a poopy diaper or answer an urgent email. It’s not my place of stability and serenity as it once was. I need to harness it again.
And of course, holiday madness. Driving all over creation to see people and still missing half of them. Not being able to spend as much time as I’d like. And wondering what homemade thing to do for everyone this year that would be well-received and somewhat easy to accomplish in less than 24 days.
So there are some tracks. And a little brain dump for me, which actually feels pretty good. Thanks for listening, dear inner net.
p.s. Also, much gratitude for the kind emails and comments from you… I needed the lift.
p.p.s. I’ll talk about good things again soon. I got ‘em. They’re just in my back pocket.
Big hugs to you – that’s all the challenges of motherhood and being an artist, and being alive, and trying to give all of that your very best. All I can say is try to honor and accept where you are right now, and do what you can. And try to let the rest go. <3
Stay strong in the struggle :)
Love you sweetie… you are doing so, so, so, so good… and I adore you BIG!
so much to think about…probably too much at once. be gentle and nurture yourself. i’m thinking of you. you know i hear you on number one. my mind is so tired of the questioning and weighing….i think at one point, we’re just going to have to either jump or grow roots. why is the decision such a difficult one? xoxo
Your 4th paragraph- squeezing creative work and big creative ideas in between mommy duties…I can sure relate. And the random scrap papers here and there that say things of creative importance, Ive got those too. Some in the bottom of my purse, some on my desk, some in a folder. I like finding them, it reminds me I am not forgetting my creative goals in the midst of mothering young children and working a day job.
I feel like offering advice like ‘it’s just a short time that our children are so young, soon we will have all the time in the world’ and then I realize I should be saying that to myself. So thanks for reminding me of it!
And, your artwork is always shining bright and strong, the artwork you share on your website. One would not guess you didn’t have all the time in the world!
Well I think you are a champion! Lately in our household we have got stuff going on too, BIG BIG stuff, and we’ve both been getting colds and sniffles I think from stress and weather and time of year. It’s always extra crazy around Christmas. I find, even if I take 10 minutes out for myself each day, even just for a cup of tea and watch people walk past the window, I feel a bit less overwhelmed.
Goodluck P!
be kind to yourself. take a step back. let go of some of the pressure before you pop. the art will wait for you. yoga too. maybe all of the angst is the universe’s way of telling you the timing isn’t right. if it were things would flow. good luck with your big decision.
Dear Penelope, I think you seems to be a nice person and very creative. I can relate to your thoughts and feelings. At one point they are just there, unfortunately, and it takes so much energy.
Me and my husband often talk about not having more time for family and friends, especially at this time of year. I think we have exepted that, with work and three children, this is how it is. But sometimes we suprise ourselves…
All the best /janette
small steps aren’t as scary as big ones, they keep you from staying awake nights, your Dad has taught me to just “keep going” and do small projects when overwhelmed. Don’t know if that helps. Sometimes it’s a great accomplishment just to keep it all together. The next 5 yrs. until Veda goes to school will be busy with Veda moments. I remember crying my eyes out when Philip started kindgergarten. Glad you’re weighing all the factors and not rushing. Joyfulness to ya’all.
wow – so much going on here. don’t make living arrangement decisions in the thick of the fog – you can’t be clear about what you really need. just stay the tide and hang on….i promise it will get better.
peace
pomanders- i want to make these for my home made gifts this year..
lift your heart , penny. you’re blessed and loved!
Good luck with finding the path that is right for your family. One thing I love about your blog is that you do speak so honestly about the good and the bad. Take care.
Wow, can I ever relate! I would like to recommend that you give yourself permission to take some time. Time to get through the busy holidays and recognize that you are still adjusting to motherhood (it will be a few years until you get your life back in that regard) and a new town. A good friend of mine and her husband nearly split when they moved to Vancouver Island from Northern England. Now, another year later they have friends and a business and projects on the go an their relationship is really good. Take Good Care of yourself!
here, I’ll make it easy for you. Move back to Indy – downtown preferably.
That is all.
Ah yes, I know just how you feel. I am sending good vibes of peace and calm your way. And I can tell you what worked for me: getting back to essentials. I mean ruthlessly cutting out everything that wasn’t good for me and my family. Really good. There’s a quote that keeps coming back to me: “You can do it all, just not all at once.” Good luck!!
I’ve been on this hamster wheel. It’s frustrating at best…unproductive and never ending at it’s worse. Changing some aspect of it can be very uplifting and revitalizing. It’s impossible trying to work in a creative business while balancing life with a young child at the same time. Try to separate the two…at least some of the time. Perhaps have someone care for your daughter a set number of hours per day for some power working time? Or have your husband set aside some time for this. Scheduling the time can help make it happen.
When you figure this all out, please enlighten me! The move thing is what I really identify with. You know you take yourself with you, but will yourself be better someplace else, someplace you like more then you dislike…It is my big question. Then unlike you, it is for me all depenedent on work and that is so hard to swollow sometimes. Don’t know you do it again, again, write exactly what I am thinking, struggling with…Thanks for putting it all in words.
as you struggle through, towards harnessing stability…know that your brain dumps are a great touch stone to those of us who are also in the midst of a giant muddle…
i admire you so very much, and not just because of your creativity or the beautiful thoughts that pour from your soul. for this as well, the way you share the downsides of it, and move through it. being human, you know. always flowing and mutating.
i am in the last year of a design degree and have been struggling with this question of time so much. I would love to have the time to create everything i envision, I would love to be able to multiply myself and create wonderful things for all my courses, and still be a good present friend, keep my house in decent condition, create everything else that comes to me unrelated to the briefings I get, enjoy the outdoors, and have wonderful sleep.
but we can’t multiply ourselves and make it all perfect. all we can do is try to move through it with a little grace (or not) and keep our sanity somewhat intact.
I can not begin to tell you how much I admire the fact that you have ventured into mamahood & becoming a yoga teacher & finding your holy place in the world & working full time on a creative job.
each one of those tasks is a hand full (and mind-full) on their own. you are so brave, you are doing wonderfully. I wish you peace with whatever decisions you make from here.
Now that my eldest is twenty and my youngest eight, I wonder if they will remember me as the rush-rush-rush mom…hmm-I wish that is not true but it might…- It has been and will be a constant juggling act-don’t you think? But with your lovely mind and very creative soul I feel you will find your own balance as long as you stay honest with yourself…-I don’t always leave comments, but I have visited here off and on for quiet some time and I too admire all that you do and I would still admire you even if you did less!!- Best
Annamaria :)
Not only do I admire your creative work but I admire your honesty about the struggles of marrying the creative life to parenting life.
It’s a HUGE topic to explore because so many factors enter in: finding time to replenish the creative “well”, dealing with tight deadlines that clash with a wee one’s needs, (and to be quite frank while hoping I don’t offend or stir up a hornets nest)working in a male-dominated field where many of our counterparts have partners who often shoulder many of the child rearing/household tasks.(At least this has been true in my age/peer group)
It’s a constant push/pull kind of feeling that can wear on one’s spirit.But that said, we are resilient and the beauty of having a great imagination is that we can imagine and work towards better systems that work for us.
Peace be with you.
ps As the mother of two daughters (14 & 17) I look back and I wouldn’t trade one minute for the time I took to be present to them while maybe putting my creative needs on hold for a bit. I know it sounds like a cliche but it goes SO quickly.
Do you remember that scene in Parenthood, when Steve Martin realizes that life/parenthood is just like a roller coaster…moments of fear, comfort, excitement, satisfaction, then fear, excitement, comfort etc…and you just ride along…take care!
I just want you guys to be a happy family. Just focus on that. You can be happy wherever you are, but figure out what feeds your soul and go after it. I agree that you might need to find some child care for Veda to wrap your mind around all you’ve got going on. Just a suggestion…full-time mommy, full-time wife, and full-time artist don’t mix well, but your situation lends itself all too well to that arrangement (being able to work at home). Most mothers of little ones I know either become stay-at-home moms, work part-time and stay home part time, or work full time and the child goes to daycare or with a relative during the day. It’s too hard to do it all, Pen. Something’s gotta give so you can think clearly. It’s a lot of pressure you’re putting on yourself. I know of a nice aunt who would be willing to help out :)
xoxo,
YSIL
I have to say that I feel you on the previous post. I have been there so, so many times. I have to be super careful about what I allow myself to read blogwise now because I can easily get sucked into feeling all wanty and inadequate.
Blessings to you!
oh, i wish i commented here more. i have been reading your site for so many years you feel like someone i know so well. you were so sweet when sosi was born and sent me that CD.
I just wanted you to know you are not alone in how you are feeling. i go through those feeling almost on a daily basis. it is so hard keeping that balance of mommyhood and being an artist. it is a constant balancing act for me. some days i feel on top of the world, some days i feel like i am failing horribly at both.
from where i am sitting penelope, you are a superstar. your art has never been more inspiring and you are such a lovely mom. don’t be too hard on yourself sweetie. this is such a short little time in our lives, enjoy it… don’t fight it. xoxox
Happy to hear from you again. We all have ups an downs in lives, hang on there, please remember you are not alone~ : )
I visit Warsaw for a week once a twice a month. It is an interesting town. especially if you are used to something much bigger.
follow your heart.
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