thinking out loud… (so to speak)
Ok. This will be another post about this bedtime thing. So if you’re bored with it (I totally understand) you can just not read it. But I need to get this out:
I was thinking tonight, after another scream-fest ’09 at bedtime, about how I can approach this seemingly bad situation differently… with fresh eyes. I wrote a while back about softening, and I think this is a clear instance in which I need to soften and let go and release my expectations and everything else, really. Drop everything and just be present with it.
First of all, I dread bedtime. I can feel my muscles and mind start to tense up as soon as the sun starts to set. The whole day can be filled with yummy-ness like long walks in the woods, rocking on the porch, dancing in the living room, and dangling toes in the water. But that sun starts its decent and so does my mood. I wonder if this is not affecting bedtime somehow. Thoughts become things, right?
So I think I need to shift my perspective. Instead of dreading and thinking of these screaming hours as “bad” and “annoying” and “wasted”, I need to reframe them as maybe… a good opportunity to show Veda that I will always be there for her. That I will not back down with my love and patience for her, even in the hardest situations. And I can look at it as a clear way to be with her and soothe her when she needs me most. And that shift in view might actually make me look forward to these opportunities to love her. (Well, that may be going a bit far. But let’s just go with it.)
And lastly… she seems to calm down a bit when I sing “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” (the pretty Elizabeth Mitchell and Lisa Loeb version). So the last few weeks I sing this song over and over for hours. And it’s become like a mantra. It does seem to do the mantra thing of freeing the mind — for Veda (after a time) and myself. And even though this time is super difficult, the repetitive song makes it feel almost like meditation for me. I calm my core and get still inside because the song is so rhythmic and steady and repetitive. It’s not a transformative sanskrit phrase, to be sure. But I think it’s achieving the same effect… which is pretty cool I think.
Oh, one more idea: the more nights we go through this, the sweeter it will be when we finally leave this stage behind. Those future peaceful nights and fun bedtimes will be like sugary honey manna to us.
So there is my attempt to make peace with this time. I am going to carry these thoughts with me as I keep showing up for mamahood at bedtime.
Peace to all you mamas and papas and people out there. I’m off to get a little bit of sleep before she wakes again.
p
You seem to have a good handle on it. My first born would wail for hours in the evening too and it does start to get to you. Your song sounds much better than the “It’s alright to cry…It’s alright to cry…” my husband would sing to him over and over (and over and over!). One thing that helped me was to keep in mind that the crying for them isn’t neccesarily because they are sad or mad, but when you are that small, you have to get your energy out somehow and crying is a really effective way for a baby to do that. I had to remind myself that he wasn’t neccesarily sad, just pent up and needing to get work it out a bit. Good luck! I hope she eases into a less stressful routine soon.
I adore, adore, adore you.
I think you are so wise and beautiful.
xoxoxo
how about a drive in the car around the lake?
Little s experienced the same sort of angst at bed time as well. As soon as we’d walk him into his bedroom, that was his cue to become unglued. Like you, we sang our throats dry. My favorite was God Only Knows by The Beach Boys. Or sometimes it was Old McDonald Had A Farm, until we ran out of animals and had to resort to verbs and such: “Old McDonald had a farm… and on this farm he had a, uhh, SWIMMING… with a splish splash here and a splish splash there…”
I am delighted to say that we are in the sweet manna stages now, and we look forward to you dining with us.
memories, memories. My now 5yo would need lap after lap around the kitchen with (aptly enough) John Hiatt’s Walk On playing on repeat. Of course when I found out at a year and a half she had reflux (wasn’t the typical spitter) I felt bad about those early screamfests, but we made it through and she sleeps through the night now even if I still don’t!
We took many midnight drives with our little love-nuggets strapped safely in their car seats. My son wouldn’t calm down until we put him in or on something with a humming motor (and he’s a motorhead at five)! We’d start up the motorbike and sit on it in the driveway rocking him on top of it. I know it sounds hilarious but it worked.
It’s a battle you will eventually overcome. Keep on taking it in stride with a calm heart and love and you will be fine (so will Veda).
such a beautiful post. love your insight here. xoxo
You are so amazing! I am sure you have tried this but I read somewhere that sometimes bad bedtimes have to do with them being to late. It suggested bedtimes as early as 6PM for young babies…There was this whole routine thing that the first week you rocked the child for 2-3 hours! wow thats some time! the next week you rocked for a hour and then put into the bed and rubbed the child and stroked her…and slowly your did less and less until it was short and less contact at bedtime…I am sure you already tried this. I think you looking at this as a form of meditation just shows how big your heart is and that you are so amazing and beautiful as a person.
this is wonderful approach, for both of you.
sending lots of peaceful, calm thoughts your way
Shifting focus does wonders. I was starting to get very frustrated with our little one’s crying at bedtime. Then I realized I was hoping/expecting her to crash out between 8-10pm, then have a midnight snack, etc. One day I stopped short and realized she had only ONCE actually done that — the rest of the time she was up, usually crying during that time, until she crashed – hard- at midnight.
She still cries during this time, but now that I don’t expect that *I* am going to get to go to sleep before midnight, I’m fine with her screaming in my ear. (Colin’s post was right –earplugs do indeed help.)
Just know this: just when you think you can’t take it anymore they change, the phase passes. It happens again and again. So sing your song sweetly with a twinkle in your eye knowing this too shall pass and you will sleep again through the night, the whole night. Sweet dreams(:
I feel your pain and love your perspective. When my son was tiny, he went through this phase where he cried every night, too. I read a couple chapters from the Happiest Baby on the Block book (I’m NOT typically the kind of parent who gets all my tips from books), but it had me convinced. Basically, tiny babies realize one day that they’re no longer in your cozy uterus, and they freak out about it. By the end of the day, they’re overstimulated and just craving that tight, warm, dark space. So the book suggests that you replicate the womb as best you can to soothe them – tips include swinging/bouncing, white noise, and a tight swaddle. The last one proved to be essential for my son. He could wiggle out of a blanket easily so I used a this amazing invention by Kiddopotamus called a SwaddleMe. It looks really cruel, and my son fought it at first. But then his whole little body would relax and we could tell he was just so relieved to be snuggled tight. He would sleep all through the night (6-7 hours right away). It might not work for Veda, but it’s worth a try! Good luck. : )
dear pumpkin. you have a lot of heart and wisdom in you and having veda just exaggerates it. i don’t know where we get the endurance to get through the first months, but we do and then it all changes into some other issue that requires new information and on and on and on. but the early months can really turn the hairs grey, eh? keep dancing and keep singing. she’ll sleep eventually and then you can, too. hang in, love. you’re doing so great. both of you! xoxo p
You are lovely! and wise. Our instinct is our greatest tool as mamas. I wanted to echo what Alex said above… if we waited too long to put our doodle bug to bed, well, it was a lot of screaming. We start around 7 and sometimes when he is in one of those moods we go for a walk before bed and that is just enough distraction to mellow him out. I also have had to change my perspective. I can relate to sometimes feeling anxious about all the other things I could be getting done while he is just crying away. I now try to remind myself that this is my life right now, not forever, and one day I will miss these days when he is our wee baby. hmmmm, tears…
Ahh, the witching hour.
Your approach is much better than mine was. Our first son was a screamer. Every night starting at 5pm, he’d howl non-stop, and I would cry right along with him.
The Happiest Baby on the Block techniques really helped us, too. I’d swaddle him and turn his baby monitor to static-mode and he would just close his little mouth and stare up at the ceiling. It felt like a miracle.
But you seem to be handling Veda beautifully. You are an inspiration. Do you pronounce it Vayda? or Veeda? Just curious.
It’s so bizarre you mentioned the mantra thing…when you were at Lowe’s exchanging the shades, I just sang that to her over and over and over while I walked around with her. I felt like it was mantra-ish, too! After a while, the words just kept melting together and I was much calmer even though she was losing it. Glad I wasn’t losing it! She’ll sleep better soon…this, too, shall pass :)
xo,
YSIL
Yeah, nerves of steel. What helped me back then was something my father said to me once when I’d done something stupid: the obligation is not of the child to parent but of the parent to child. Or something like that. Meaning, that the kid will be who s/he will be and your job is to love, unconditionally.
Hang in there new Mommie! It will get tremendously better. My 14 year old was the same way as a baby! Trust me I understand the dread. I used to take her to the sink and let the water run. For some reason, the sound of the faucet running water calmed her. Now all I have to do is tell her what’s she done to our water supply on earth! lol! Hang on, you’re on an incredible journey.
Amanda – To answer your question, it’s pronounced Vayda :) Thought I’d help you out, Pen :)
Yes! Sorry… been just a bit distracted. It is pronounced Vayda.
Thank you all once again for your awesome comments and support. I love this little tribe. :)
your post on nursing helped me though such a difficult time–i’m a new mama this spring, as well. this post, for me, rings that celebration i feel everyday with my own little one. i love seeing this sentiment echoed is so many different, lovingly creative ways! thank you for sending that energy out…
I am going to pick your brain a little……bare with me….
Besides it being bedtime have you noticed any other things that might bring on her scream fest? Feedings in particular? Do you write down the times you feed her in a log book and the specific times of night she is screaming? How do you have her laying in bed? Flat on the back, side? DO you keep a log of her P’s and Poops (sorry for that)? Any constipation?
Curiosity has me wondering if the little pooper might have a case of acid reflux? If so, medication is miraculous. Kenzie did the same thing every night for over three months. Then we got her on Zantac. We also put a wedge under her back to get her up to a 45 degree angle or actually put her car carrier in the crib and fastened her in. The increased angle helped prevent the acid from coming back up as much and the zantac helped by reducing the amount of acid her tummy produced. The other thing we noticed was that when she had breast milk she was less fussy than with the Enfamil alone. ALl these three things helped to make her happy and get us through the nights.
Just a thought. Maybe you could mention it at her next Dr. apt.? I hope it gets better. This is the hard part. Hang in there.