Subscribejust a glimpse
pic taken by Colin with the Holga. Click image for more.
hi there. Just a quick pop in to say hello. I am still here. Feeling a bit overwhelmed for the last little bit with a bean who seems to freak out at bed time. It’s not frustrating as much as it is heartbreaking. She wants so badly to sleep, but something inside her seems to keep her from it. sigh… these hours are long and difficult. I just wish I could give her a peaceful transition.
Also, I just wanted to write a quick list to remind myself where I was at this moment when I look back a year from now:
- FINALLY painting the rooms in my house. Aqua dining room, yellowy living room, taupe stairwell and sage hallway. And lots of orange and green accents for fun and punch. I realized that while I admire the the look of the white, stark, clean walls of swedish and modern design… I can’t live with it. I need me some color.
- Loving Veda’s new laughter. She just found her giggle.
- Rereading “Eat, Pray, Love” again because I seem to have lost my spiritual path — and this book was a catapult before. I feel a little like my little boat has lost its slip…
- Knowing I need to journal again, but every time I pick up my notebook my hands aren’t feelin’ it. They cramp up after a page or two and tell me no. So I wait till I open up to it again.
- REEEEALLLLY looking forward to a massage next week. (There is a massage school here and they give cheap massages! Sweet!)
- Learning and accepting moderation. More on this later.
- Wanting to connect to a local mama or two and form an understanding and fun and easy friendship. (I miss my friends in SC pretty bad.)
- In fact, I miss South Carolina as a whole pretty bad. That life I’d set up there fit really nicely. And I feel like I’m relearning and rebuilding many things since the move. This is extremely hard to deal with actually and I’m trying to be gentle with myself and allow myself to grieve. And then allow myself to feel the joy of living here now.
- Just starting the garden at my mom’s house. Honestly, I haven’t been much help… haven’t done much except for bounce Veda around and show it to her, but I’m loving having a garden. I am excited to watch it grow.
- Working on some really fun illustrations for a dream client. (!) More on this later too.
- About to launch the new Illustration Friday. I can’t wait… and wish I could give Brianna one of those student massages as she codes and de-bugs the last little bits.
- Doing a lot of porch sitting and watching as the park enters summer.
- Feeling bad when I read other mama blogs. Feeling like I don’t know what I’m doing. Or I don’t know where I fit in. Or I’m not doing enough for Veda. But then at the same time knowing that I’m doing just fine. It’s such a weird thing… I don’t know how to explain it.
- Feeling really tired.
That’s all. Lopie, my dear, you are doing just fine. One foot in front of the other.
oh… my son Christer resisted bedtime too… you’re right, it was so heartbreaking! (But my heart goes out to you, too. Hang in there!)
Penny- you are so very normal- in what you’re dealing with and how you’re handling it. actually, you’re handling it with much more grace than most new moms. it’s sooooooooooo hard. and so full of joy. but it changes you forever. move forwards, not backwards to your old self. you will never be the same- how could you be? I am almost finished with Veda’s little blanket! I am so excited. it took a lot of tearing outs and restarting, but I’m proud of myself for sticking with it. Veda has taught me a lesson and I haven’t even met her! Be gentle with yourself Penny. You are amazing.
You should put up some photos of your newly painted rooms (when you have time, of course). They sound lovely.
Wow, you have time to paint? She must sleep some.
you look SO divine in this picture, honey.
wild and brave and mama bear and precious and just so filled with spirit.
i just want you to know i think you are completeeely exquisite, and that your journey is deep and wonderful.
i love you!
I think you’re doing great, actually, you’re doing quite a lot with such a tiny baby: working (!), readig a book (!), painting rooms (!!!), wow, my memories of me and my babies when they were this age are just a huge succession of days with me bouncing them, trying to get them to sleep and trying to cover my most basic needs (sleeping, cooking/eating, having a shower…)
Take no notice of other mamma’s blogs, don’t forget that most of us tend to talk about what’s going great (especially concerning our children) and sharing good experiences with others. There are few of us out there who are brave enough to talk about what we think is not going so great. You’re one of the brave ones!
Don’t take too much notice of other blogs, most women probably choose not to write about the really hard bits. I’ve been a mum for less than 3 weeks and I’m having trouble processing things myself, never mind getting it into written form on my blog… the most I can manage is a few cute photos (which were taken by my partner anyway!)
I appreciate that you are sharing some of your experience here.
Thanks for your supportive and warm comments all. :)
I think I should clarify though real quick! — I didn’t paint the rooms. I had them painted. Because, unfortunately, I cannot paint a room to save my life (I suck at it really)…especially these walls with tall ceilings. And I didn’t want to breathe in the fumes (even though we got no VOC paint.) AND fortunately, I know a painter who does a great job, fast and cheap. Want his number? hee. :)
So see? I am no super woman… painting rooms. I just cleared outta Dodge with Veda.
I normally don’t like being a “suggestion” commenter…but just in case it might help…
My daughter Nora LOVED being tighly swaddled at bedtime. It helped her settle down to sleep because it kept her legs and arms secured. We used to swaddle her and bouce her lightly in our arms saying sh sh shhhh. It worked so well.
Hopefully you will find something similar that helps with your sweet baby.
Penelope, when I read this post and then look at that photo, all I can say is: You are exactly where you need to be. That photo captures something that I can’t name. It stirs my soul so deeply that it makes me tear up. Whatever games your monkeymind and ego are playing with you don’t matter: Your soul has it all under control, and that photo is proof.
you look beautiful. You have so much new, a new area to live and a new baby. I only wish I was as wonderful as you handling lifes little struggles.
You’re doing more than fine, Pen. Motherhood has changed you in a good way…I mean that as the highest compliment. I’ve seen motherhood transform quite a few of my friends in the past couple of years, and I envy the sense of serenity, purpose, and grace I see in new mothers’ faces. Yours embodies all of that, especially in this picture. I’m on India in Eat Pray Love, by the way :) Italy was chillingly reminiscent…one foot in front of the other.
xoxo,
YSIL
All moms – and mom blogs – are different, no one necessarily being any better than the other. I personally enjoy the ones that share the realities of motherhood. :)
Good luck lady!! I’m getting ready to embark on the motherhood adventure myself and I’m sure I’ll feel a lot the same. Definitely re-read Eat Pray Love. I listened to the audio book last summer and it just put me in a whole better, calmer place. I am thinking it’s time I listened to it again!!
Take care!
Meg
I’ve just read your post after a long long time of trying to get my 13-wk old baby daughter to sleep for the night.
It was particularly long and hard this evening so your post was great to remind me that I’m not alone.
May it get easier for us both (and the other mums going through it right now!) very soon!
Hugs. xxx
hi penny,
love this holga portrait! you follow your heart. that’s all you need to do. i have been thinking of you and will send an email this weekend! xox
Dear Penelope you are doing so well you just don’t know it!I have had four and I remember the baby days as the ‘fog days’- do you know that feeling when you have bad eyesight and you lose your contacts? You live in the big blur…I don’t know where you get the energy to do all the things you do already…
Hi Penelope,
I moved from Lisbon to Buenos Aires two years ago and it was veeeeery hard (to say the least). The first year, well, year and a half, were difficult, and then it just started to be much easier, to the point where I actually love living here now. I´m sure time will help you too.
As for being a Mama, I have no idea (I have no kids), but I´m pretty sure you´re doing great. Don´t pay too much attention to other Mama blogs, not everything is nice and easy as it appears there. Thank you so much for sharing – your stories sound a lot more like “real life” than those “everything is perfect” ones.
Looking forward to knowing more about your dream work!
Love from the south,
Ana
I work with moms and babies all the time…perhaps you are just more honest than some other moms who blog! Really, it is the hardest, most difficult, wonderful job in the world…thank goodness she has you to guide her through! And continue to be honest, as it will serve you well in the long run! The picture…no words…picture of motherhood!
What a lovely photo–and a Holga as well. One of my colleagues just got one and we are eagerly awaiting the results. So unpredictable, just like children! We have a saying around here: “Been there, done that, got the T-shirt, starred in the video.” Welcome to motherhood. It gets easier. And then, just when you think you’ve got them figured out, they sense it and change, and you go through the same process all over again. And again. And again. One day, your house will be quiet again and you’ll be able to sleep whenever you want and you’ll wonder where all the time went. Enjoy every precious moment, no matter where it takes you. Love, ditsy
Hi, you didn’t ask for advice but anyway here comes. My son was always, always freaking out at bedtime and never ever learned to nap like some kids seem to do – dozing off in front of a plate of food or crying a bit and then falling asleep. With him it was always hysteric screaming and crying until he stopped taking naps altogether at about 2,5 years old. What helped me though was a book by Elizabeth Pantley – The No-Cry Sleeping Solution (http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth/). Trying to be really really really consistent I managed to make at least the night time bed time manageable although days were catastrophic.
What a great pic!
Hugs to you, Penelope. It’s SO hard to not compare yourself with other moms out there, especially when you’re sleep-deprived and still adjusting to everything. I would encourage you to write/create as you can, whether you share it or not is up to you. :) Know that among your readers are a lot of creative mamas who have been there and think you’re doing just great. Hang in there.
ditto the swaddling to serenity. also a nightly stroll or walk in the outdoors always helped me and my infant twins (now 16)
remember to take time for you – and administer the oxygen 1st.
mom’s need lots of that. sweet baby.
Hi Penelope. I have been reading your blog for quite some time now. I went to school with Alison. She was such a sweet soul. Anyways… I wanted to tell you that you are doing a great job with Veda. I gave birth to my daughter about four weeks before Veda was born, so I have been reading your blog and relating to everything that you have said. You are an amazing mother. Motherhood is a TOUGH journey, but we are going to make it. I would love to get together with you sometime. Shoot me an email or something and we can set it up. I have some other moms that I have met since Ashlynn was born that have small ones as well. tabathacorn@Yahoo.com
I totally relate to the sadness and readjusting of moving away. Ironically, we just moved from IN to the east coast of NC. I am 8 months pregnant and trying to soak up what will be my last pregnancy (baby # 3). It’s hard to do as I am trying to catch my breath and balance emotions. Night time will get better. It sounds like you are doing great. Everyone gets frustrated sometimes… even the babies. But we make it. And then before you know it they are 7 and you can’t rock them to sleep anymore but you will cherish the time when you did.