thriving either way
Veda, plumping up nicely at 2 months old.
The insomnia seems to have passed and I’ve been getting good hours of sleep the last few nights. I’m feeling much more sane — sane enough to finally write about this topic that I’ve been nervous to voice…
Breast feeding. And how it didn’t work for Veda and I.
Since I got pregnant, I’d been picturing myself as this perfect kind of “Mothering Magazine“, breast feeding super star mom — whipping out a boob here and there and everywhere, whenever she was hungry, whenever she needed to be soothed. I pictured giving her nature’s perfect food until she was at least a year old or until she self-weaned. I pictured it being the ultimate way for us to bond as new mother and new daughter. And I pictured it being an absolutely wonderful part of our lives.
Um, no. My vision quickly dissipated when faced with our reality. And that reality was that it wasn’t working, and both Veda and I were crying constantly and completely miserable. Hating our new life and totally stressed out. It was a nightmare. (And I’m sure Colin was completely freaked out as a new dad with both his wife and baby daughter wailing all day and night. Sorry honey.)
When I first gave birth to Veda, she was a master nurser. As we recovered in the hospital she got the colostrum without any problems, had good latches and was doing stellar during those first few sleepy days. We met with the lactation consultant and the nurses who all agreed it was going great and we had nothing to worry about.
Days later when she started needing more milk more often, that changed. My milk came in as scheduled and she would nurse and drink it all. And was still hungry. We’d nurse all the time — as frequently as she wanted — to try to get more milk coming. Making sure every time that she got the hindmilk. And still it wasn’t enough. She’d be hungry still and cry. And cry. And cry. And then I’d finally join her in frustration, sobbing and wondering why I wasn’t producing enough for her. I was failing at this too!
I called in the troops… the lactation consultant, OB nurses, the doctor. I consulted friends and family, and they confirmed that everything was working fine — I just wasn’t producing enough milk. And I finally had to admit that this was just not working and I had to let it go (just like the birthing experience). I realized that a happy mom was going to be so much better for Veda than a miserable mom. And if we transitioned to bottled formula, she’d be able to eat as much as she wanted and finally feel full.
So that’s what we did. Colin drove to the grocery and got some formula, and we mixed up a bottle. (I cried the whole time.) We laid Veda back in my arms and I put the bottle to her mouth and she drank happily. So happily that she finally, finally looked relaxed, and she fell right to sleep in my arms. Full and content for the first time in weeks. She didn’t seem to care that the milk had come from the bottle and not from me.
And soon after that, life got a whole lot easier. Veda was a totally different baby… happy and content most of the time. And I was a different mom… capable and more centered. This was definitely the right choice for us.
But my god how I mourned not being able to breast feed. I still felt like I had failed — felt guilty — felt alone — felt sorrow. And I felt judged. Like I was doing a huge disservice to my baby. I searched online for support, not finding much. Most forums and threads I read were really negative about bottle feeding. They all proclaimed the miracle of breast milk — and that anything other was far inferior. I found some moms in my boat asking for advice or help, and other people responding saying “try the breast again” or “you can do it… just try harder”. And that really surprised me. And hurt.
(Thank god for my supportive family and close friends who kept repeating: “This is ok.” “This is ok.”)
So I was scared to write about this here. Afraid I’d get more judgment or misunderstanding. But then I realized that there are moms out there who maybe can relate and need to hear my story. And I haven’t shied away from writing about the good, bad or the ugly in the past. So here goes.
I’ve learned that there’s nothing wrong with either way, and I’m letting that sink in. As my friend Kirsten said, “Veda will thrive either way.”
If you’re called to comment, please be gentle and know that there’s still a lot of healing going on here. Ok?
Love to you all,
penny
You are an amazing mom and it’s quite a journey you’re on here. You’re grooving on your motherhood path and sweet Veda is beginning her own journey. I’ve been impressed since hearing her birth story about the way you follow your instincts and respond to her needs — that’s what it’s all about. She needed to be born by C-section and you responded, Colin followed his instincts and stopped her from being airlifted when it wasn’t in her best interest, and now you’re doing what’s best for her by allowing her to have formula. She chose you guys for a reason!
First, Congratulations on your new beautiful baby girl, Penelope and Colin! I’ve been catching up with your posts. You both are going to make such amazing, creative parents. Imagine all the arts and crafts this little one is going to have throughout her life…fun!
As for breastfeeding vs. bottlefeeding…it has nothing to do with whether you are a good mother, Penelope – you ARE a good mother! Just do whatever works for your daughter. And please be kind and patient to yourself along the way. :)
Back to 30 years ago when breast feeding was not as propular as now, I was feed by formula since day 1, and I look at myself again, I’m healthy and in a good shape. =) So I don’t think it is such a BIG deal.
Take it easy and enjoy your single learning process.
Wish you best~
okay so I couldn’t resist. As I was browsing NPR this morning I found this article the last line is perfect and so true! http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=102361013
Hello Penny, You do not know me from Eve but I grew up with Alison. I have been reading your blog for awhile now. I also tried to breastfeed only to find out that my daughter was tongue tied, then we pumped to only find out I could not supply what she needed. When we went to the bottle it was the best choice (and the hardest) I ever had to make with her. With our second daughter we didn’t even try. You and Colin are great parents and just be blessed that you can feed Veda no matter where the food comes from.
I’ve been a regular lurker here for a long time. I know how hard it was for you to give up breastfeeding. Two months after my daughter was born, I had to start taking medication for a medical problem. I had no choice but to stop breastfeeding because the drugs would have been dangerous to my baby.
We survived. My “baby” is almost 22 now.
Hang in there! And remember, raising a child is a lot like creating art – there are so many different ways to make a beautiful thing. Rarely does a project turn out exactly like our initial vision – sometimes we have to change colors or work around a mistake. But somehow the finished product still turns out wonderful.
I tried breatfeeding with both of my boys. However, this only lasted about 4 weeks. With my first son everything went fine at the hospital, but as soon as we got home I couldn’t get him to latch. So, my breast got so engorged that I thought they were going to explode. Plus, I had a hand pump that didn’t work half the time and I am pretty sure I threw it a half dozen times while crying and extremely frustrated. Then after I got that resolved I also couldn’t make enough milk for him. Plus, he seemed like I would finish feeding and a half hour later he was ready to feed again. I felt like he was constantly attached.
Then with my second son, he was born tongued tied and he wouldn’t latch correctly. So, this caused breastfeeding to hurt. Then because he couldn’t latch correctly it caused me to get mastitis. I felt so horrible from the infection..that I thought I was going to die. My whole body hurt and I would be shivering one minute and then sweat through a shirt the next minute. After that, I decided NO MORE!
I honestly do not think I will breastfeed another baby. Maybe for the first few days, but that would be it for me. I gave it a try twice and it didn’t work out for me.
My boys thrived with out the breast milk and so will Veda. You made the right decision for you both and don’t let anymore make you feel like you didn’t. You are Vedas mother and you decide what is best for her. Not anyone else (well besides your hubby) :) Good luck!
The one thing that I have learned in being a mother is to try to roll with what life hands you. Anytime I have pre-imagined what a situation was going to be like and how perfect it was all going to be… my daughter would have very different plans. The more I struggled to keep with that ideal image in my head the more miserable the both of us became. I literally had to learn to let go and splash around in the mud puddles with her. (so to speak)
I had such problems breastfeeding. It became a time of misery for me not the joy I and closeness I was expecting to feel. I was in pain, feeling guilty, my milk was not coming in properly and my daughter was not taking to it very well. I felt like a horrible mother. I went out and bought a breast pump (which is a whole other issue on its own). I guess what I am trying to say is there are so many other ways to bond with Veda. You shouldn’t feel like you failed at anything… you didn’t. Feel proud that you made this decision to put a situation that stressed out both of you to rest. Anywho… thats my 2 cents…
Isn’t it amazing the lessons we learn from these little beings? Learning to let go of expectations and learning to be flexible and easy on yourself. I had a similar situation and had to wean my son at 3 months. I felt Horrible!! Again not what i pictured, as the birth was not what i had pictured. ButI learned that it doesn’t matter- It is in the warmth of our arms and the love in our hearts that nourish our relationship with our baby. When it comes to whether it is breastmilk or formula, all that matters is that they are getting food in their tummies.
You are doing great! xo
I have no baby, and thus, I have no motherly advice. *However,* I know you, and I can tell you that you looked SO much happier this past weekend than you did when I visited you closer to when Veda was born, and so did Veda. I think that’s all that matters. There is a new-mom peace and serenity about you now…you’re glowing more than you did when you were pregnant! :) I am absolutely ecstatic for you and Colin, and I’m absolutely in love with that precious niece of mine. Can’t wait to see you all again soon, and continue to watch this new branch of my tiny little family grow. I’m thankful to have you as my SIL, and so thankful that you brought my favorite niece into the world.
xoxo,
YSIL
Big hugs to you, Penelope – I 100% understand where you are coming from.
Some words of encouragement from my diatribe about it 5 years ago with the birth of my preemie (formula-fed) twins:
http://www.frenchtoastgirl.com/weblog/2004/03/getting-up-on-soapbox-id-just-like-to.shtml
The very best thing you can do for Veda and yourself and your family is to love each other. Be gentle with yourself.
There are a bazillion comments here, but I still feel like I need to pipe in.
It seems that these days we feel like things can only be one way or the other. We either go the fully medicalized route when having a baby, or we go natural– there’s no in between. We either breastfeed, co-sleep and baby-wear, or we sit our newborns in front of Baby Einstein videos in a mechanical swing all day. That’s what the experts and vociferous people would have us think, but for most of us normal folks, we’re somewhere in between.
So often medical technology is demonized by those of us that really prefer the more natural route, but all of the technology has been developed because of a real need. C-sections can be life savers, and so can baby formula. Both are the fruits of genius human creativity. What can be more natural than that?
Sometimes life teaches us lessons that we didn’t know we needed to learn.
I have a teenage son and an 8-month old daughter, both of whom I breastfed for about 6 miserable weeks before finally throwing in the towel. And both my children and I were the happier for it. For me, trying to force something that obviously wasn’t working defeated the whole purpose – what kind of mother-child bonding was going on with both of us crying and unhappy? I feed my daughter formula while we stare into each other’s eyes and hold hands. The bond is just as special and just as strong.
y’all did real, real good.. she’s a beauty!
I nursed my first daughter for 15 months and considered myself a nursing goddess. I could breastfeed her on hikes by pulling a baby blanket over my shoulder and dropping her kangaroo harness on one shoulder. I was so proud when after walking for a great length, my group of friends turned around and said, “are you actually brestfeeding and hiking at the same time?”
Then I remember my dismay and sadness when my second daughter was two months old, always hungry, and not getting enough nutrition from breast feeding. I cried too when I gave her her first bottle of formula, after my families urging. In fact, I cried for days. I was no longer the nursing goddess, I thought I failed. I wish I was easier on myself then – I was being flexible after all and adjusting to this person who didn’t have to be what I expected, and to myself, who didn’t have to be what I expected. And it was perfect after all.
Please don’t be hard on yourself. Know that your love for Veda will always lead you to do the right thing and your an excellent mother. Hallelujah for finally getting some rest:)
I’m not a mom (yet), but my sister just had her first last year, and I remember being surprised when she reported after a few months that the doctors said she was producing more than enough milk for the baby. I wonder how she would’ve coped in your situation. (She seeks that ultimate maternal perfection, too.)
And you know what? Both my sister and I were bottle-fed–and we are both successful, happy, healthy wonderwomen. I highly doubt that being breastfed would’ve made for more satisfying lives than the ones we’ve got. (I think way more important was Mom taking the time to read to us every day.)
You are an amazing mother to Veda. You did your very best and listened to what she needed – she needed MORE FOOD! Being a mama is all about letting go of expectations, and going with the flow – whether that flow be from the breast or the bottle. Rest assured that you’re the best parent for you child (quoting Ask Moxie right here) and that you are doing so many other mamas a service by sharing your story.
I’ve been following your work and blog for about a year now and feel inspired by your sense of beauty and peace. I don’t know you personally but I can tell by your writing that you are wonderful wonderful mother. I had so many problems breastfeeding. The first time we made formula for my son I was in tears, but he needed it and I needed to stop beating myself up about it. He just turned one and is beyond fantastic. I wish I had learned much earlier not to be so hard on myself for not being the super breastfeeder that I thought I had to be. After my 6th case of mastitis (and many visits to the lactation consultant and hospital)I just hit my breaking point. It was better for him to have a sane, happy mommy than being in pain all the time. It didn’t help that none of my other friends had these same problems and that magazines like Mothering (though a wonderful resource) didn’t cut women like me any slack. Don’t shed any more tears over it. Your daughter is loved and cared for and that is what matters.
Good for you trusting your own instincts, remember you know your baby best.
I am not a mother yet but I reading your blog you have allowed us to see the way Veda has been loved since you and Colin shared with us the news of your pregnancy. I think Veda is so lucky to have you as her Mother.
Don´t let other people´s opinion or judgements be important to you. What really matters is what you think is the best for Veda and you. Hang in there sweetie, you are amazing:)!
Hi. I stumbled onto this blog after typing in the phrase, “Enormous guilt over switching baby to formula.”
My daughter is 11 weeks old and I have been breastfeeding her along with formula during the day.
I take a medication that is forbidden throughout pregnancy and while breastfeeding.
I have had Mastitis three times.
My problem is, I have been offered a job with tremendous responsibility and without the medication I take there is no way to perform the tasks at hand.
I have tried to do so for the last week and it just isn’t working.
My midwife and pediatrician have both said formula is fine.
My issue? I for some reason have such guilt about switching to all formula that it has torn me into so many directions.
I have a 7 year old daughter that only breastfed for 5 weeks and I had no problem switching her to return back to work.
I guess my concern is this. Is the guilt some sort of sign from God that the minute I stop breastfeeding my baby will catch some horrible flu that ruins her life?
Or is this guilt a normal feeling that all mothers have.
I am interested to know what level of guilt you actually faced when you were confronted with this decision.
Thank you for sharing your story.
oh penny…i am sending you a warm, warm hug and i would whisper in your ear “veda is a healthy, thriving beauty and you are the perfect mother for her.”
you know…i resonate so deeply with all you shared. as far as me breastfeeding, i didn’t quite have that choice. yes, i could have taken herbs to try to make myself lactate but i didn’t have time before Cedar came and even if i did, there is a huge chance i wouldn’t have produced enough. i almost ended up using a friends breast milk. she pumped for me and it ended up not working with his digestive system. then i just had to let go and trust and hope that this was our path as mommy and son. i found ways to bond while bottle feeding. we snuggle so tightly together when he feeds.
and you know what? 5 months on formula and he is totally thriving. become a happy chunky baby.
when people judge about breast feeding…they rarely consider those that adopt and those that experience what you have. i just stopped going to those sites and believed in my own story.
you, veda and colin have your own precious, perfect story.
i feel your heart.
loving you.
denise
You have to do what’s right for you and your baby—everyone else can just shove off! *hugs* Being a mommy is really, really hard.
Hi Penelope
I’m not a mum, so have no motherly wisdom to impart (it was a real eye opener looking at all of these posts as it makes me realise that obviously breast feeding can be a really difficult thing). But from reading your story and all of these posts it makes me think we all expect so much of ourselves! We should try to be more gentle with ourselves (always easier said then done though).
But it sounds like this path is starting to work for the two of you so that is great news:o) Best wishes to you and little Veda.
Helena
In my family we call them “the breastfeeding nazis”. Both me and my brother were never brestfed, and here we are, in good health and excellent relationship with our mother. My son is turning two today. I went through something similar at the beginning, and after 2 month started with one bottle at night and in no time he was having only formula. Enjoy your baby!
Hi Penny!
I´m not a mom, so I know nothing of this dilemma; but I just wanted you to know that my sister went through the same experience as you, more or less at the same time, and… you know, the baby is fine and anyway in some years who will care about wether this nice person (Veda, or my niece) was breast or bottle fed. Love doesn´t come in milk, comes in everything else, right? :)
Off topic, I get insomnia too; I stopped worrying about it and enjoy just to feel the soft sheets, the smell of the pillow or something like that. If still I don´t fall asleep, I go and knit a bit. I try not to agonize over being awake and to enjoy that I´m experiencing something (the sounds of the night, the fresh air, etc) I wouldn´t be able to had I been sleeping. I know it´s weird but it lifts the weight off of insomnia.
All the best for you and Veda!
oh penny – it’s all about love with children. that’s the thing that you have. and colin has. the other things are just tiny in the end. and let me tell ya – the end is far far away… :)
veda is looking so loved and healthy. stay on your good good track.
xo
susan
What truly matters is you wanted to. And you did for whatever length of time you did, the length of which doesn’t really matter. What matters is you tried and Veda has parents who truly love her.
I never breastfed. I knew all along that it just wasn’t for me and yes, people tried to make me feel guilty but I stuck to what I knew was right for my baby. Its okay to try something and it doesn’t work. As long as you tried. And Veda will not suffer. My kids are 15, 12 and 9. All are very healthy, well-adjusted little (okay not so little) people who are happy and know their Mommy loves them just as much. Veda will know that too.
Hi I stumbled across your site through Illustration Friday as I was emailing you with a question. When I read this thread my heart went out to you. I’ve been through this with both my sons and I can so relate to the guilt that you feel/felt about not breastfeeding. My problems were different in that I found it a very painful and stressful experience and it got to the point where I would bleed and it was just awful. With both my children things went great at the hospital when they were first born but for some reason it just got harder and harder. I tried and tried but like you I realised that in the end the best thing for me and my boys was to switch to the bottle. After I did they were happy and contented and so was I. I could finally concentrate on all the other things that a mum needs to do. As our babies grow up there are many more issues that come up that we have to stress about. So eventually this issue doesn’t seem so huge anymore. You sound like a very caring mum and should be very proud of yourself for finding a way that made both of you a lot happier. She’s a very beautiful baby by the way!!
Your story is my story. My baby was born Feb 19th and I pictured myself breastfeeding. I gave it up a few days ago for all the same reasons. Reading what you have written here, I know I made the right decision. I agree a happy mom is better than a wailing mom. Thanks