Subscribeinsomnia
(illustration for Duncan Baird’s “The New Secret Language of Dreams“)
I haven’t been sleeping at night. This may sound obvious with a newborn, but even when she’s sleeping peacefully, I lie awake with my mind spinning. I tumble over thoughts and problems and ideas and memories. It’s frustrating, to be sure. But I don’t know what I can really do about it. I’ve tried lying there in savasana, relaxing each muscle in my body and focusing on my breath. I’ve tried honoring each thought and letting it sail through and out of my mind. And I’ve tried getting up and reading a bit or fixing a bite to eat. Nothing really works and I lie there staring up at the cob webs on the ceiling (hey housework really goes out the window when you’re a new mom).
One thing I’ve learned, though, is that I can shift my thoughts from being angry about it to thinking about something positive. So I think about things I’m grateful for. This usually starts very slowly when I’m mad about being awake… but it does pick up once I get over myself. And I also play a game where I try to think of all the fun things I’m looking forward to — this is my favorite. (I think this fits in nicely with my “resolution” to have more fun and bring my joy into my life this year!) A few things from my list:
- going to the zoo this summer. Even if Veda is too young to appreciate any of it, it’ll still be fun to get outside and do it.
- starting a veggie garden at my mom’s house (frost free date here is May 10!). eating our own produce is going to be so rewarding.
- learning how to make homemade salsa.
- fixing up this old house (we’re starting with the kitchen… I can’t wait!).
- peppermint tea.
- the new Illustration Friday that we are going to launch soon. I designed it. Brianna is busy coding it. Holy moly it’s gonna be good! Ya’ll are going to love it!
- another little web surprise in the works that I can’t tell you about yet.
- the farmer’s market opening up soon. I hear my area has a good one and I’m looking forward to checking it out.
- getting down to indianapolis to visit family and go out to a first friday gallery night once Veda’s a smidge older.
- taking Veda on a hike through the woods.
- seeing green leaves appear on the trees.
- walking through the grass barefoot.
That’s twelve. There are a lot more, but I find this fun… I think it’s super important to look forward to things in your life, don’t you? It makes it all seem more exciting and gives you reasons to put one foot in front of the other when you need to.
What’s on your list of things you’re looking forward to?
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p.s. In the comments the other day, Denise asked if this was an advice free zone. I say: hell no! I’ll take all the stories and words of wisdom I can get. I would like to refer to it as “what worked for me” instead of advice though. hee. Semantics, right?
Oh dear, Penelope. The hardest thing for me to do during yoga practice? Savasana. I, too, have been having troubles “quieting the mind” whenever it seems like a requirement. Prior to settling down to sleep, Savasana. I sit there and my brain is just completely scattered.
I am, however, looking forward to being newly single in the summertime in the city (of Boston). I can’t wait for this new adventure that life has thrown my way.
“What am I looking forward to” is one of my favorite games too! It always amazes me how it lifts your spirits. Right now, I’m looking forward to my weekend (finally free of projects I started months ago, so I can start a new one!), meeting friends after work tonight, and my coworker bringing her puppy in to the office in a little bit.
I am looking forward to taking a shower this morning. I am also looking forward to the next birth I will attend, Sunday morning brunch with three of my best friends,spending all day next Saturday with a dear friend,being a licensed midwife, and seeing the ocean again. :-) Good game.
Penelope, I had to comment, reading your birth story is so like my own. My litte girl got stuck in posterior position and just would not move down. I too had to have the emergiency C section and it got mega scary and now I can’t remember most of it, 5 years on! I was terrible after it all, my milk didn’t come in either and I couldn’t feed her, and so I fet inadequate, not only was I not able to deliver her but now I coudn’t feed her either. I too was awake when I shoudn’t have been. By the end I had terribe post nata depression, pease be vigiant of yourself and accept hep in what ever form. I didn’t until one day I litterally found myself locked in the bathroom banging my forhead against the wall and begging my husband to take the baby away as I was unfit to care for her – I thought I was faiing at being a mum too. The Doc was fab and sorted me right out, and I have never been more glad for it to come to a head.I hope you will chin up as I am sure you are doing a sterling job. Know you are not alone and lots of people feel like this after. Veda will grow flourish and be a wonder, I am sure!
hi penny.
love your list (and your illustration is wonderful). i am looking forward to gardening, the farmer’s market, baking cinnamon rolls on sunday and more maple vanilla milkshakes. xox
Have you read “Animal Vegetable Miracle”? If you haven’t, you would definitely like it…as much of your list mirrors what is written about in this book (farmer’s markets, growing your own food, buying local, etc.)
~denise m.
I’m sorry to hear about your insomnia! I love the way you have chosen to to use your “thinking time.” As a side note, many years ago I was diagnosed with OCD…in that I was a compulsive thinker and never could sleep at night because of it. I was getting so sick from exhaustion. My therapist worked with me and the thing that helped me was pretending all my thoughts were being sucked out of my brain and shot out of a vacuum cleaner out the window into a giant bag outside. She said I was allowed to “open the bag” in the morning, but now it was time for sleep and not thinking. Once all the thoughts were in the bag, I had to mentally tie it shut and then just focus by picturing a clean white wall. I had to fight away any thought that came back. Well, after about 2 weeks of practicing this every night it finally worked regularly and now I sleep very well…I find the thinking/insomnia comes back in times of anxiety (both good and bad anxiety/stress) and I have to use that vacuum technique. Just wanted to share in case it will help you or someone else! :)
I’ve been a reader of your wonderful blog for years. Thank you for being such an inspiration. I’m a creative mama of two sweet little boys (3 years and 6 months). I wanted to send some support for you as you’re experiencing postpartum insomnia. Take this seriously and seek some help from experts who know the signs of postpartum depression/anxiety. I’m struggling with insomnia as well this month (over three weeks with very little sleep). My baby isn’t even night waking anymore..racing thoughts keep me up in the early am. My OB said I am toeing the line of PPD. I’m nursing exclusively and didn’t want to take medications at all. However, I ended up taking a low dose, prescription, sleep aid for about a week to catch up (it helped immensely). I’m hoping that swimming regularly (a new thing for me) will help me beat this. Can you find time for cardiovascular exercise each day? I hope this helps in some way. Take care!
The farmers markets should be really good there. It’s been forever since I’ve been though. My dad takes his apples, cider, honey, etc to the Rochester one.
Hola baba ghanoush~
You = awesome.
Best thing that works for me to chillax my brain is Holosync. Expensive, but holy freaking amazing. I have the BEST night’s sleep when I use it before bedtime. Yummmmity yum.
Can’t wait to see the new IF darling!
I never could sleep when my babies slept in the same room as me, I had to put them in out in the hall first in the bassinet and then their own room, and we didn’t have monitors, but I had to get sleep or I couldn’t function during the day.
Hey Lovely! Planted a few of my “heirloom” seedlings today. Check out http://www.tomatobob.com to get you inspired for your veggie patch :)
xxoo C
oh Loyely you and Veda. Good luck.
It this can help: frost free in my place is around May 25th.
“What worked for me” for insomnia was sleeping in another room all by myself. My partner slept with the baby and brought her to me to nurse. Just having that space really helped; although, during one rough patch of insomnia I did go get some meds from my doctor. Sleep will really help equalize things in your life as a new mom…get it anyway you can! I told my partner that next time we have a kid, I am going to have a little reserve of money to pay for a night at a hotel room.
I’m looking forward to harvesting strawberries and walks to the farmer’s market with my daughter this summer.
the things that I am looking forward to: Lemonade on a summer day, camping, growing tomato’s, taking my daughter to play in lake michigan, visiting my parents in south carolina, my engagement party, today, tomorrow…