veda’s birth story
Hi there! Sorry for the lack of posts… I’ve had my hands full. (Apparently I am not so good at juggling baby and life as some other moms I know of. Oh well.) I am excited to eventually start writing more as the little one starts napping on her own a bit more (some day, right?!). I have been working on the birth story though… it’s a long one! :)
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It was just after 10pm when we went to bed the night of February 12th. I was uncomfortable as usual… I’d been uncomfortable for the last few months of my pregnancy. Severely swollen, achy and tired. I laid down on my left side like they recommend and attempted to get some sleep.
I remembered telling my friend Brianna earlier that week that I thought I’d give birth on February 13th. It was after all, my brother’s birthday, and it just seemed appropriate and inevitable that my daughter would share her birthday with one of my favorite people.
I wasn’t asleep long when I felt the first contraction at 12:07am. It felt like a sharp, sudden menstrual cramp in my lower abdomen. And I breathed slowly through that first one, wondering if this was false labor or the real thing. It passed quickly and I assumed it was the former. So I closed my eyes again to sleep. And not five minutes later I felt another one come on. This one more intense. And immediately I felt my body take over and found myself on my hands and knees on the bed, head lowered as I called over to Colin, who was sleeping soundly, that “I think this might be it, babe…” The wave passed. A few minutes later it was back. Strong again. And I breathed in my position.
We turned the lights on as the third and fourth ones came on and we realized that this was indeed time — and that it was going fast. I felt excited and ready… not scared at all. Just filled with the awesome thought that within hours I’d finally be meeting my daughter for the first time.
We called Brooke, our doula, to come over. And she arrived within the half hour, timing out each contraction, helping me sway through them, and encouraging me — telling me I was doing a great job. That this was a natural, wonderful and beautiful beginning!
I slow danced with Colin through more contractions. Holding onto him and breathing deeply. And I was pleasantly shocked that the breath was working so well to control the pain. All my practice doing yoga breath was paying off because it was like the most intense, focused meditation. I was right there in each moment, and nowhere else. I felt excited as I realized my power over the pain — that I could control this to some extent and then trust my body to do what it was built for.
Soon it was time to go to the hospital. Colin grabbed the bags and threw them in the car as Brooke helped me down the front stairs and into the passenger seat. I continued to feel intense and frequent contractions all the way to the hospital.
We arrived at the hospital and I think I managed to say my name and social security number before starting the walk to the birthing room. I had to stop and sway a lot during that walk. But finally we were in the room. I put on the hospital gown and the nurses started doing whatever they were trained to do. I told them I didn’t want an IV as I closed my eyes and breathed through another contraction. I was doing great, and I knew it. It felt so right and I felt really calm — until I saw my mom’s face. Then tears flowed down my cheeks (I always cry when I see her and have been holding back emotion). I tried to contain myself so I could maintain my breath. She kissed me and said she was there and then left me to keep laboring with Colin and Brooke and the nurses.
A few hours later they told me I could push. And my mind screamed “It’s about time!” and I gave it everything I had. My breathing was really loud now and I hummed through each push. Pushing didn’t hurt like the contractions did… it just felt like this was what my body wanted to do. And I was so close to seeing my baby.
But after pushing for a few hours, the doctor said that the baby wasn’t moving down the way she should, and they put an oxygen mask on me to make sure the baby was getting enough air. They broke my water and saw that it had meconium in it… not a good thing… and then the scariness started. The baby was in danger and had to come out quickly now because she was breathing in that fluid.
They told me that she had gotten stuck and that had caused my cervix to swell from 10cm back down to 6cm, and we needed to do an emergency C-section. What?! I couldn’t believe I’d made it that far only to have to go another route… I felt a little like I’d failed, even though I knew it was out of my hands. Still… tears slid down my cheeks and I looked to Colin to tell me we’d be ok — that the baby would be ok.
I was scared.
They told me I wasn’t allowed to push anymore and my mind exploded. My body still wanted to push, but it wasn’t good for the baby. The window for the safe vaginal birth had passed.
I consented to the C-section. And soon I was on a table in the bright white OR under glaring lights and I was shaking uncontrollably. They gave me a spinal to numb me for surgery and a drug to stop the shaking, and soon I didn’t feel the need to push anymore, but I was disoriented. I knew that they were getting the baby out.
Colin was standing next to me, watching as they did the procedure. Within minutes the baby was out and he went with her as they cleaned her off and assessed how much bad fluid she’d inhaled. It felt like an eternity to me. But I wasn’t clear on what was happening… I was so out of it. I cried with confusion and sorrow that I couldn’t hold her right away like I wanted.
The next thing I knew I was in a recovery room and I remember hearing that I might not be able to see the baby at all because she had to be rushed to the NICU in Ft Wayne (the next biggest city to our small town) for treatment. My heart shattered… and I couldn’t help but cry. I couldn’t believe how badly this was turning out. This was nothing like I’d planned!
The next bit was a blur… With hushed words my bed was quickly wheeled into the nursery and I found myself suddenly holding her. This was apparently not allowed because the emergency crew was there to take her, but the nurses looked the other way as I held my baby girl for the first time and nursed her. She was so beautiful and so tiny. I couldn’t believe this moment… it was more wonderful and beautiful than I’ll ever be able to explain. My daughter was finally in my arms. All I felt was pure joy! Bright glowing gold joy!
I have no idea how much time passed or what happened next. I was blurry with happiness and love and meds… I found out later that Colin talked to the crew to ask them to really think hard about whether or not they needed to take her. And some kind of miracle happened because when they looked her over, she didn’t need the oxygen anymore and was breathing fine on her own. This tiny 6 lb 5 oz girl wanted to stay with her mom and dad. And they decided to let her — thank god. Thank god she was ok. She was ok…
So that, in a not-so-tiny-nutshell, is how Veda’s birth went down. It surely wasn’t what we planned or envisioned, and it’s a mystery what exactly went wrong. But miracles happened, the surgeons were capable and swift, and a healthy baby was born — and that’s all that matters. We had our daughter.
Veda Katherine Dullaghan
6lbs 5 oz, 19.5 inches long
February 13th, 2009
Congratulations. She´s beautiful. I hope you´re all doing fine.
congratulations! My son just turned one last weekend and have been doing a lot of reflection on his birth and life so far lately, it’s been amazing. Your daughter looks wonderful!
oh darling…
i have tears in my eyes reading this…
you did so hugely amazingly, wonder woman…
so glad for your miracle of being able to keep your beautiful daughter right beside you…
you are doing so so good, sweetie…
leonie so proud & teary just reading this!
big hugs & love to you & your wee family,
love,
leonie
I can’t help but flash-forward to the time Veda has suppressed emotions unleashed at the sight of her mother.
Wonderful story. baby. family.
Doing what you needed for your child, letting go your expectations, to have her healthy and safe, makes you one darn good mother.
As for juggling it all, go easy on yourself. Remember you didn’t just go through labour but major surgery. Add all the physical and emotional turmoil of the labour, and emergency c-section, and it takes a lot out of you. On top of that you get full time care of a little person that needs you for everything!
It always takes time to adjust, get to know this amazing new person, find your fit together as a family. And some babes are more challenging, they sleep less, need more.
Also, a lot of parents just don’t let on about their difficulties. ‘Cause they “should be able to…”, just as their friends seem to.
Don’t hold the expectations too tightly, and be gentle with yourself when you need to let them go.
Yay!!! you’re ok :-) I was begining to really worry. Thanks for sharing the story, I’m due in about 5wks and have been reading birth stories like mad.
I know it didn’t work out like you had hoped, but thankfully Veda is ok and you are ok :-)
Thank you for sharing your story and the precious photos! Denise pretty much sums up what I would say, too!
I too had an unexpected c section 3 years ago. In preparing for the birth of our second baby, and wanting to avoid another c section, I have found a supportive group of women who have been through the same thing, via the internation cesarean awareness network. There is alot of helpful info on their website about recovery and dealing with the feelings that can arise after an unplannned c section.
Becoming a family is a huge shift and the learning curve is never-ending. You are doing a great job every minute you are with your daughter and the ability to find a balance with other things in life will get stronger and stronger. These early months (years!) are so precious…they need you like no other time. What a gift to have this healthy beautiful little girl, congratulations to you and your husband!
You are a brave and fantastic mummy.
I had an unplanned c-section in the end too, a couple of weeks after you! It’s here if you fancy a read (and find the right moment!)
http://luciachiara.blogspot.com/2009/03/tmi-gory-and-soppy-yes-its-birth-story.html
we’re just a few days away now…or a week…or hours…or minutes…from meeting our baby. it is a really clear yet surreal time. reading your story, Veda’s story, is a gift. totally not as you ‘planned’ and yet perfect and beautiful. staying with the breath and focusing that awareness on the baby is i think the ultimate ‘goal’ or guidance into the unknownNESS of birth. thanks, p-mama. xoxo
You’re doing great. Don’t be hard on yourself and feel that you can’t juggle baby and other things. This is how it’s supposed to be in the beginning and the juggling gets much easier in time. Over time I found ways to get my painting in through windows of time. Though the first 2 to 4 months, I found myself napping when my first one napped.
By the time she was 6 months old, I started spending a lot of time with an older teenager training her to help until I could let go and trust her some afternoons for more painting time. Your own solutions will become clear and natural in time. Warning though – there is some risk involved – I ended up raising another creative person:)
I teared up reading your story and seeing your beautiful little girl just because I am so emotional. :) I was one of those who tried to do everything “right” but things turned out unexpectedly- complication, bedrest and c-section. I had a lot of sadness about that. But in the end everything turned out “right” with the birth of my son who is now 2 and just perfect!
I did have so many emotions about how things didn’t go as planned so I did a whole series about it and it really helped me process it all. yay for art as therapy!
Congratulations on bringing a beautiful and healthy little girl into this world. I wasn’t able to get back into the swing of artmaking and such until my little guy was 3 months…well, I’m still not fully back into the swing of things yet. :) Rest up and enjoy getting to know your daughter.
She’s beautiful, Penelope. Congratulations to both of you and many good wishes and love to little Veda =-)
Oh, Penelope… Veda’s story is so touching that I couldn’t avoid these silly tears coming.
I’m so glad that, after all, everything was just fine and now you are the beautiful family you guys have become.
Congrats!
penny, this is so moving. i know it wasn’t what you had planned, pumpkin. i’m glad to hear that your medical staff was able to tell you what was going on and that you were confident about the need to go forward with the section. and i’m absolutely THRILLED that colin’s magic and everything else swirling with the veda love dust resulted in her being able to stay-and that she nursed right away! amazing! thank you for sharing-i’m here with you in tears, blood and mamahood, love.
xo pixie
But what do you mean, “and it’s a mystery what exactly went wrong”? Nothing! Nothing, nothing went wrong. Isn’t she there? Isn’t she perfect? And weren’t you completely amazing during it all! Maybe, if things had been exactly what you had planned, you wouldn’t have gotten to experience the miracles you did. Didn’t she get to stay? Aren’t you alive and well, all three of you? She is so beautiful and I just can’t see that something, anything, went wrong.
You don’t know me, but I’ve read your blog about your artwork for a while! You are so talented. When I read this story I couldn’t help but get emotional! What a sweet story. And it is a miracle. My husband and I have a little boy who we adopted when he was 3 days old. It’s always amazing to hear birth stories and I just want to say that no matter how a baby comes into the world and into your arms, it’s a miracle! It’s wonderful that you were a part of bringing her into the world, too. Congratulations to you and your family!
Congrats Penelope! She’s beautiful :)
thank you for sharing your story penny. i felt the same sense of failure when i had my surprise c-section. i needed to remind myself that we all come into this world in our own time, our own way and the ultimate goal is to get here safely.
much love to you and your beautiful girl,
wendy
It is a beautiful story, in that she is here! My story was almost the same verbatim! I went in expecting a natural birth and came out with a C-Section and lots of tears at feeling like a failure, but with a beautiful 8lbs, 22 inch girl! Who now at 14 years old, is still the amazement of my life! So you will have a life time of joy and sometimes utter amazement and other times, frustration, but all in all the experience that we call motherhood. Congrats to you, hubbie and the amazing new baby!
Congratulations! nide story, sure you will enjoy a lot in the coming months, and more.
Cheers!
Wonderful, congratulations.
I am blowing my nose and mopping up tears as I type!
Enjoy every minute.
I am a long time lurker and former blogger (port2port) as well as a former Hoosier. AND my first birth story is so very similar I had to send a note.
With McCoy I was in natural labor for 36 hours which included 6 hours of pushing. He never made it to the birth canal. Poor guy was wrapped around and around with the cord. So emergency c-section and voila, there he was! It was very disappointing to have a c-section after all that work…although it felt like I had experienced both a natural and surgical birth minus the actual vaginal exit. Since I now live in an area with a rural hospital classification I was unable to attempt a VBAC with my second. It was very difficult to come to terms with being a repeat c-section. But we welcomed our daughter, Winsome, on January 23rd via ceasarian birth. Which leads me to the end of this LONG comment….I was able to process and feel that both of these were strong and wonderful birth experiences. I am no less a mother based on the way I delivered and they are very much births. I was in an absolute daze with the first, but the second I was very aware. The surgeons made it very special by telling me when they were going to push the baby out and they popped her over the screen so that my husband could announce the sex.
So enjoy that little one! Girls are just so precious and these first few months are special.
What an amazing place this world is! I stumbled across your blog and this was the very first post on it I read on it. And my heart went out to you, rushed out to you, because I too know how that feels! You’ve done a great job! Just look at how beautiful she is!
Congratulations! x
ohhh, i’m crying, my dears veda, penelope and colin! welcome to the world, u beauty- veda!
it’s very much alike to my story, just 13 years ago on the 3th february with my son luka.
veda is so adorable baby and she has / as her mom/ beautiful name. bravo parents!
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