Subscribewindow perch
These last few months have felt like I’ve been standing at the window of my life, looking in. Not totally involved, but just an observer. Watching the characters inside pass by the window, catching little bits of conversation, a few light scents as they reach my post, the muted music from a few rooms away.
I’ve been going through the motions. I play illustrator when called to. Care-taker when needed. Sister, wife, mama, counselor, friend. And I’m gearing up to play teacher, lecturer, mentor. But it hasn’t felt real. This standing outside, peering in is almost like a dream. It leaves me feeling helpless.
I don’t know if this has been because so much has shifted in the last few months… selling a house and moving, becoming pregnant and dealing with first trimester woes, moving into my brother’s basement and being suddenly surrounded by people, house hunting, buying, waiting, Alison’s sudden downturn and passing, grieving. It’s been a lot. And I think maybe my window perch has been my reprieve, even if I feel disengaged at times. My window has protected me.
Tonight felt just a little different. Driving through the cornfields on the way home, I noticed the sun sitting at the top of the stalks, making them glow yellow. I saw how green the gaps between the leaves were. How the clouds started to form pictures again. I felt a tiny letting go. Happy in the moment. Filled with wonder at just how precious and tiny and humongous life is — even during the completely heartbreaking times. And my window opened just a tiny crack.
* * *
Thank you all for your kind excitement about the pregnancy — it is a spot of sunshine right now. And many many thank yous for all your well wishes and condolences on Alison’s passing. If you’d like to do something for Alison, please donate to the American Cancer Society here. It would mean so much to her. Or if you’d rather, you can give blood which could go to another cancer patient that needs it. It’s not painful and it is really necessary for lots of people. If we all give a little, it can all add up big.
many blessings to you,
penny
The cycle of life is so loud and in your face. It’s precious when we can stop, gather and gain back a little momentum. There is nothing to say that hasn’t already been said and nothing today that will make the pain any less. Just grab those moments and live them, second by second. Every moment you have a little heartbeat inside you becoming each day. Blessing and peace always to you and your family.
http://www.indigeneartforms.blogspot.com
miss penny….my heart broke when i read about alison. i can only imagine the wave of emotions that you have been riding. i think the land of squam will be such a soothing place. i can’t wait to see you there. so exciting about the baby. i am working with two girls who are expecting this fall. it is fun watching the excitement in these first time moms eyes.
peace
kelly
That’s a beautiful post, Penelope. I will definitely think of Allison when I give blood next.
hey I told someone today that I felt like I had a novacaine shot into my entire body…..numb….yet little specks of sunshine are poking through….mmmm
I’m excited for you to get into your new house and make it your home. All of the windows will be open and you will feel like you again. You have always been able to create a sense of serenity where you dwell, and it’s very welcoming and relaxing to those of us who are fortunate enough to visit :) It’s okay to be an observer sometimes…I think it definitely serves as a coping mechanism when you can’t wrap your mind around all of what is happening to you. You have certainly made it look easy, though. I envy your adaptability.
YSIL
you are so loved…
going through such BIG stuff right now…
you are on a huge journey
and you are doing so beautifully babe
just being you…
amazon brave precious vulnerable heart shining you…
love,
leonie
I am glad that you had that moment of peace as you were surrounded by beauty. You really have had a tough few months. I wish for you more days of such beautiful weather and peace in your heart.
Thought of you when I listened to this song by one of my favorite artists the other day and wanted to share it with you.
http://www.last.fm/music/Sara+Groves/_/It+Might+Be+Hope
when i read your post, i was taken to a song that swirls in my brain – well two actually – both sung by tom rush – one is called “Child’s Song” and the other is joni mitchell’s “circle game.” those songs typify the melancholy of growing up and moving on. i wish you could play them right now. blessings to you as you contemplate the newness in your life: alison’s passing, your wonderful baby growing inside you, your perception and sensitivity, and all else. God is in and surrounds all things. love – jim